
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, September 6, 1993                   TAG: 9401150002
SECTION: EDITORIAL                    PAGE: A7   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Monty S. Leitch
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

MS. CELLANY'S ADVICE

WE WELCOME again today our occasional guest columnist, Ms. Cellany, who, since her last visit, has won the prestigious Professors of Writing and Authorship Award for Expertise in Excellence. In July, she also received an Honorary Medal of Honor from the Institute for Arcane Enlightenment in Matters of Extreme Importance - a medal awarded only once every 83 years!

We are truly honored to have her here with us today, when our topic is topography and its impact on vacation travel.

Dear Ms. Cellany: In your opinion, who should read the road map when a trip is to cover more than 50 miles? - Signed, N.S. West.

Dear N.S. West: Yours is a question that's baffled humankind for centuries; and the invention of the automobile has merely complicated matters.

Should the front-seat navigator hold the map? Should another passenger, more removed from the windshield, hold the map, as protection against losing the map in the event of accident? Should the car's windows be rolled down? Indeed, should the driver hold the map? And if so, who should hold the steering wheel while the driver's holding the map?

Which, to my mind, raises the much more complex issue: Should the map holder hold the map with "north" always pointing north, or should the map holder hold the map in such a manner as to always point the top of the map in the direction of forward motion?

You may say, "But these are issues of personal preference!"

Which would, in fact, be true, were not sex an issue also.

Dear Ms. Cellany: When a map holder says, "We need to take Route 460 west at the next intersection," what exactly is meant? - Signed, S.W. East.

Dear S.W. East: What's meant, exactly, is "Turn left at the next intersection." Or, "Turn right," depending on whether one is initially facing north or south. This can be determined, of course, by observation of trees in the immediate vicinity: on which side does their moss grow?

Another simple method for determining whether a left turn or a right turn is indicated is observation of the North Star.

However, be forewarned that once again sex rears its ugly head. To avoid confrontation, notice carefully, before setting out on your journey, which is the dexter and which the sinister side of your map.

Dear Ms. Cellany: Are maps really necessary? I mean, can't any reasonably intelligent man find his way where he wants to go on instinct? - Signed, Dexter North.

Dear Mr. North: A map, as you know, is a representation, usually on a flat surface, of the whole or a part of an area. It can also be a representation of the celestial sphere or part of it, or something that represents another thing with the clarity suggestive of a map.

The key words here are "representation" and "clarity." (Although a strong argument can be made for the importance of the word "flat".)

It has been my observation that, sex being a variable in every one of life's equations, a whole representation of any area, or even a partial representation of it, is an impossibility. At least on any flat surface.

\ Monty S. Leitch is a Roanoke Times & World-News columnist.

by CNB