Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, September 6, 1993 TAG: 9403090017
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: DIRK JOHNSON THE NEW YORK TIMES
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
``Where are you going?'' asked Merwin, who lives in Sacramento, Calif.
``Oh,'' replied the toddler, clutching a doll in one arm, ``I go find mommy now.''
Usually the children of divorce have puzzled over why their fathers no longer live at home. Now a growing number of children ask the same questions about their mothers. The number of unmarried fathers living with children more than doubled from 1980 to 1992, according to the Census Bureau. Fathers now head 14 percent of single-parent households, up from 10 percent in 1980.
The image of the single father has historically been that of a divorced or widowed man, rarely poor, who has custody of older children, usually boys. While the research on single fathers is scant, one study at the University of Wisconsin at Madison has dispelled some of these notions.
The researchers found that about 18 percent of the families headed by a single father live in poverty, although that is still far below the rate for families headed by single mothers, about 43 percent. Nearly 25 percent of single fathers have never been married and only 7.5 percent are widowed, compared with about one-third in 1973. About 44 percent of the children in these families are girls and one-third are preschoolers.
More than 4 percent of all children now live with a single father. Overall, about 22 percent of American children live with a single parent.
``What we're seeing reflects the changing sexual ideology,'' said James Levine, director of the Fatherhood Project at the Families and Work Institute in New York, a private research organization. ``There are two major factors at work here: the great increase in working mothers and the revolution in views on fatherhood.''
He noted that 30 years ago, almost no fathers attended the birth of a child. Today, more than 90 percent are present in the delivery room.
``There is a new definition on what it means to be a man,'' he said. ``And part of that is being a nurturer. In many cases the parents are simply deciding that it is appropriate for the man to be the primary care giver.''
In the overwhelming majority of cases, the divorced parents decide who will take the children. In only a small number of divorces, probably fewer than 5 percent, does a judge determine the custody of dependent children. In those cases resolved in court, judges have increasingly awarded custody to fathers, turning away from the ``tender years doctrine'' that decreed that young children should stay with their mothers.
To be sure, mothers are still far more likely to retain custody, and it is fathers who more commonly disappear.
A University of Pennsylvania study found that five years after divorce, about half of the children had not heard from their fathers in the previous year.
Some feminist scholars have expressed doubts that many men are truly interested in day-to-day child rearing. ``Given all the rhetoric about the new father,'' said Martha Fineman, a professor of law at Columbia University, ``you'd think we'd see a much more significant jump'' in the number of single men raising children.
Unlike divorced or never-married mothers, who are frequently regarded as failures, single fathers are often seen as men deserving of halos.
Howard Waitzman, 47, an accountant in Skokie, Ill., said people customarily marvel when they learn he has raised three sons alone since his divorce 10 years ago.
``They might not know me from Adam, but when people find out I've got the kids, they assume I'm some kind of wonderful man,'' he said. Before the divorce, Waitzman said his wife thought he should have custody because he was a better parent. She pays $500 a month in child support and flies into Chicago from California once every five weeks to visit the children, now 18, 16 and 15.
As a successful businessman, Waitzman was able to afford live-in maids when the children were younger.
For Merwin, however, single-parenthood has meant a financial struggle. He quit his job as manager of a pizzeria to go on welfare and attend a junior college near his home in Sacramento. The college provides day care for his three children.
The initial court decree gave custody to his former wife, but later Merwin went to court to gain full custody, and his wife did not contest the action.
``I'm doing the best I can,'' he said, ``but I worry about the kids missing their mom.''
In an increasing number of disputes, courts are awarding joint legal custody. In most cases, the children live with one parent, but both mother and father take part in child-rearing decisions. In California, joint legal custody is established in about 80 percent of all divorces involving children.
Some experts say joint legal custody is more symbolic than practical. ``It's a way to make the noncustodial parent feel better,'' said Jacob. ``In reality, the parent who lives with the children is making the decisions.'' In far fewer cases, the physical custody is divided as well.
Fred Dean, for example, has his daughter for a stretch of 10 days. His wife takes her for the next 10 days.
``She loves us both very much, and we do her,'' said Dean, 33, a driver for United Parcel Service in Longmont, Colo. ``But it sometimes gets very confusing for her.''
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