Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, September 14, 1993 TAG: 9309140181
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 6 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Neil Chethik
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
That's the message in the passionate reader response to the recent column on Daniel Raphael, a 45-year-old Seattle man who decided to abstain from sex indefinitely because it so complicated his life.
Many readers related to Raphael's struggle with sex. A few wrote bitterly about the pain in their sex lives. Almost all agreed with Raphael's conclusion that sex is neither necessary nor sufficient to create intimate relationships.
Indeed, 5 percent of men and 9 percent of women describe themselves as sexually inactive, according to the current Janus Report.
Here's a sampling of letters, some of which have been edited for length and clarity:
Craig T., Detroit: Have I been through a prolonged celibate period, you ask? Of course I have since I'm in my late 20s and still a virgin. That's right! I'm a virgin. As a consequence, I felt compelled to write and express my extreme disgust for this society's demand that all people be sexually active whether they like it or not. I don't have a problem with those who are sexually active. I just don't want them to drag me into it.
Cara F., North Little Rock: My husband and I practice natural family planning, which requires periodic abstinence each cycle during my fertile time. We've used the method for 13 years. We feel the sexual self-control has enhanced our marital relationship. During every cycle, we go through a time of courtship in which we find other ways of expressing our love rather than intercourse. After abstaining for 10 days or more, we really enjoy coming back together during the infertile time. There's no need for sex manuals or sex toys because we just yearn for one another. I think it is that time of anticipation and yearning that keeps the relationship fresh.
Ned P., Cleveland, Ohio: My wife and I have been married for 34 years. During the early years of our marriage, we had a normal sex life. Then she had to have a hysterectomy. That was the end of our sex life. Oh, we tried a few times after she healed, but it was too painful for her. In the over 30 years since then, I've thought about having an affair, but couldn't handle the guilty feelings. Now, in our old age, I find that I still love my wife dearly - but I harbor a secret anger at women. I could easily believe that women don't want sex at all, that they regard it as merely a means by which they can get what they actually want in life.
Susan T., Cleveland Heights, Ohio: At 49, I had just survived the last (of three) marriages, when I decided to become a born-again virgin. Why not? I had tried everything else. In the six years since, it has not been a chore for me or even unpleasant. I am building genuine friendships with men now. There is no game playing, no dishonesty and no pressure. I have always loved men but never took the time to really think about their needs or desires - I just assumed all they wanted was sex. Now when I meet a man who interests me, I think about it, talk about it, enjoy the excitement of the moment. However, I go home alone with my body and soul intact.
Peter A., Warren, Mich.: I'm quite validated to find that there is another person out there who places a lot of value on the connection between physical and emotional intimacy. I have been celibate for over three years, but it has only been in the last year with conviction. I'm 32 and in excellent health, and I know that anyone who is in reasonable health and has a pulse can have physical intercourse. The real challenge in our society would seem to be one of emotional intimacy - the ability and courage to, without urgency, gradually trust and get to know somebody.
Wend responses, questions and comments to "The Men's Column," in care of the Features Department, Roanoke Times & World-News, P.O. Box 2491, Roanoke Va. 24010-2491.
\ Neil Chethik is a Lexington, Ky., free-lance writer.
by CNB