Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: WEDNESDAY, September 22, 1993 TAG: 9309210187
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
Instead of doing my leg lifts, curling and rowing exercises, I slouch around on the sofa and marvel at how pretty Mary Astor was when John Huston was a relatively young man.
"There he is, my children," the greatest station wagon driver of them all said. "Killing himself slowly by being a loafer and gorging himself all day."
I forgot to tell you that, unlike most people, I eat a lot when I am watching Myrna Loy or Bette Davis or Ginger Rogers.
"Yeah, well," I said to the driver. "You don't expect me to miss the chance to see Maria Ouspenkaya in a movie, do you? I mean, I've been the breadwinner in this family for 40 years, and I deserve getting to see Maria Ouspenkaya again."
"I guess old Maria was one of those cuties who wore torpedo brassieres," the driver said. "Honestly, at your age."
"Maria certainly was not one of those cuties," I said. "She was an old lady who had this great German accent and you usually knew something bad was going to happen when you saw she was in the cast. There was a woman who knew a thing or two about saying ` und.' "
"I'll have to take your word for it," the driver said. "When I was a girl, we didn't have time to go watch Maria whatever-her-name was."
"I know. I know." I said. "You didn't have a movie theater in Shawsville. I hardly think that's an excuse for mistaking Maria Ouspenkaya for a Hollywood playgirl."
"You're sick and getting sicker," the driver said. "You keep sitting there and nibbling and you're going to be a very heavy dead person."
"Listen," I said. "This is educational. For example, when I was a callow youth, I thought Betty Grable was very sexy. I am now mature and wise in the ways of the world. I saw her in a musical recently and discovered that she danced like a cow and couldn't sing a note. Her legs weren't so hot, either."
"Right. Education," the driver said. "Sounds more like a dirty old man watching girlie shows to me."
"You can scoff all you want," I said. "It is true that I was somewhat impressed with the way Tuesday Weld looked years ago in `Return to Peyton Place.' And I'll admit I followed every move Ruth Roman made in this movie, the title of which I cannot now recall."
"But watching these movies constantly are making me into the Whole Man."
"Whatever," the driver said before secluding herself in the sewing room.
I didn't tell the driver that Maria Ouspenkaya would have liked her for doing that.
by CNB