Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: TUESDAY, September 28, 1993                   TAG: 9309280063
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 3   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Neil Chethik
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

SILENCE AMONG MEN ABOUT RAPE CAN BE DEATLY

Then he heard the banging on the door.

"Dad, I have been raped! Dad, I have been raped!" his daughter sobbed as he rushed to let her in.

In that moment, holding her, he could feel only the enormous anguish in her body. But in the weeks and months ahead, he would also feel the guilt and rage that is so common among men whose loved ones are the victims of the violence of other men.

Today, 14 years after the rape, Schmidt continues to speak about it. It is how he deals with the memory. It is how he heals from it. And it is how he hopes to contribute to a world that is safer for the next generation.

"When it comes to rape, there is a conspiracy of silence among men," says Schmidt, now 59, and a professor at Loyola University in Chicago. "We don't want to talk about it. We don't want to think about it. We don't want to know."

But such silence can be deadly. That's why his daughter (who asked that her first name not be used) continues to talk about her experience. And that's why Stephen Schmidt tells his story here today.

In the days after the rape, Schmidt watched his daughter transform from a cheerful, radiant adolescent into a sad and angry young woman. And his heart sank with her. Guilt-ridden over having "failed as a father" to protect her, he says, he wanted to reach out and hold her. But, soon, she would not accept his touch.

"As she pushed herself away from men, she pushed away from me, too," he says. "She had always liked to be held, but now she ... would not let me be soft with her anymore."

He understood her reaction, but the loss of her affection hurt him. And he became increasingly angry. "I became outraged that another man had violated our family," he says. "I was outraged at all men."

It didn't help that only one of his male friends reached out to him after the rape, although almost all of them knew about it.

"I suppose there is some guilt in all men," Schmidt says now. "We are all capable of rape because we share the same anatomy with the rapist.... We've all made the sexist jokes, the comments about women. So when someone we know is raped, there's a sense of guilt, a sense of responsibility that we have somehow contributed to it."

The guilt and anger often drained Schmidt of passion in the weeks after the rape. He and his wife "pulled away from each other at times," he says. "In the middle of making love, we'd both feel dirty or lonely or wrong. It didn't seem beautiful anymore."

Even today, the wounds of the rape are raw. "For me, the anniversaries are hardest," he says. "Every October 18th ..." His voice breaks. For a moment, he cannot go on.

Of course, Schmidt does not compare his own pain to that of his daughter. He has heard her say at times that death might have been easier for her.

His daughter, however, now 30, has survived with the help of friends, family, feminism, and a righteous and passionate anger. "To know me is to know an anger which is ice blue," she wrote recently in Christian Century magazine. "Women are raped out of hatred. Women hate out of the reality of rape."

Stephen Schmidt now believes that more men must be involved in working to stop rape. And one way to do that, he says, is for men to begin to talk more honestly, especially with other men, about the conflicts and pressures of male sexuality.

"We need to explore both the wonder and spiritual possibilities of sex," he says, "as well as its potential for evil and dramatic oppression."

\ MENTION Reported incidents of forcible rape in the U.S. 1970 -- 37,990 1975 -- 56,090 1980 -- 82,990 1985 -- 88,670 1990 -- 102,560 Source: FBI

\ MALE CALL Men: Do you agree with Schmidt that all men are capable of rape? What do you think is the best way to reduce rape? Women: How does the fear of violence by men influence your life?

Send comments and questions about men to "The Men's Column," in care of the Roanoke Times & World-News, P.O. Box 2491, Roanoke, Va. 24010-2491.