Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, October 21, 1993 TAG: 9310210154
SECTION: VIRGINIA PAGE: C-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: LESLIE TAYLOR STAFF WRITER
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
What is important, she said, is her message.
"I was married for 25 years. Everyone thought my husband and I had the perfect marriage. But they didn't see what happened beyond that. I walked on eggshells for all of those 25 years. I didn't realize I was a battered wife."
The woman is one of nearly 300 who seek help each year at Total Action Against Poverty's Women's Resource Center in Roanoke. For 17 years, the center has provided education, support, counseling and emergency housing for women who are victims of domestic violence.
"We assist abused and deserted women in getting stabilized and developing healthier lifestyles," director Ellen Brown said. "We support women in any way we can."
Gov. Douglas Wilder this week proclaimed October as Domestic Violence Awareness Month. In its observance and in remembrance of victims of domestic violence, the women's center is holding a candlelight service tonight at Lee Plaza.
Democratic gubernatorial candidate Mary Sue Terry - who as the state's attorney general appointed a task force to recommend legislation to combat domestic violence - will be the guest speaker.
"We want to recognize women who have been murdered, as well as those who have struggled through this and endured - just survived," Brown said. "It's quite a traumatizing experience, similar to being in combat."
The woman showed up at the Women's Resource Center in July. Two months before, she and two of her four children left their home in North Carolina and headed for Roanoke to stay with relatives.
Her husband's abuse was not so much physical as it was verbal, she said.
"He called me dumb, stupid, unorganized. For years, I had to censor everything I said and did. I always wondered `What's going to happen if I make him mad?' I was petrified."
Dirty dishes in the kitchen sink would provoke a tirade, she said. Allowing one of her sons to wear her husband's shirt would mean a punch in the nose.
"You'd never know what might provoke him," the woman said. "Calling something royal blue when he thought it was baby blue might do it.
"But I loved him 200 percent. I did everything I could to make things work."
Nine months before leaving, she sought counseling. Her husband, whom she could not persuade to get help, knew nothing about it.
This spring, "Something told me to get ready to leave," the woman said.
"I started getting my things in order. But I was scared to death."
The Women's Resource Center has had clients as young as 15 and as old as 76, from all socioeconomic levels and cultures.
"And it's been that way for years," director Brown said. "Most have been married or lived with a man for a long time. We do have some boyfriends and girlfriends. We've also had several gay victims of abusive relationships."
The center opened in 1976 as primarily an information service for women. Most of its clients were low-income women who did not have the resources to help themselves.
"Now we serve women on any level," Brown said.
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in Washington reports that a woman is abused every seven seconds. According to another group, there were more women murdered in domestic disputes during the Vietnam War era than there were U.S. war fatalities.
Concerned that any lag in counseling would send her back to her husband, the woman's sister contacted the Women's Resource Center.
There, she found moral support.
"They are always there for moral support. I'm sure if I needed them for anything else, they would have been there for me."
Her husband, she said, wants her back. Since her departure, he has gone to counseling, threatened suicide, sent her flowers. He told his daughters that it was up to them to bring the family back together, she said.
"But I'm still not going back," she said. "I would always wonder if it would happen again."
Listening to other women talk of their abuse during group counseling sessions makes her angry.
"They're going through the same thing I did, and they won't get out," she said. "Maybe if more women knew they had support, they would do it."
Her life, she said, is slowly coming together.
"I don't worry now about what I say to anybody anymore," the woman said. "I even laugh. I didn't laugh much before."
The Women's Resource Center will hold a candlelight service for victims of domestic violence tonight at 7 at Lee Plaza in downtown Roanoke. For more information about the service or the center, call 345-6781, ext. 336.
by CNB