Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, November 30, 1993 TAG: 9311300045
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Jane Brody
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
"Michael, leave your brother alone. Now go to your room and stay there until you're ready to behave. And no movies for you today."
"I screamed at a dog owner this morning after he let his dog mess on my sidewalk and didn't clean it up. I wish I could have rubbed his face in it."
"I came home last night tired and hungry after working all day and I found dirty dishes in the sink and chores undone. I was ready to kill my kids. Adolescents are so thoughtless and self-centered."
Anger is certainly not an emotion that people purposely cultivate, but it is a central feature of Western civilization and a common occurrence in the lives of most people.
Anger would not be so prominent if it did not serve some useful functions. It can be a warning that the demands on people are exceeding their resources, or a signal that a person's rights or values are being compromised, that something is wrong and needs correcting.
But some people get angry at the drop of a hat, reacting with a fury out of proportion to the seriousness of the precipitating event. And too often, the way anger is expressed, or suppressed, is counterproductive. Instead of bringing about needed changes, it may actually make matters worse.
Little Michael may stay in his room plotting revenge against his irate parent, who he thinks punished him unfairly.
Getting angry at lawbreaking dog owners rarely does anything to change their inconsiderate behavior. And the fury of the tired working mother may give her a headache or prompt her to down a pint of ice cream, but it is not likely to instill willing cooperation from her teen-age sons.
And, of course, those who fail to express their anger will not accomplish anything at all; instead they suffer the offending behavior over and over again until one day they explode in a fury that shocks and bewilders the target of the attack.
Recent studies have shown that nonproductive ways of expressing anger typically grow out of a poor self-image and actually further undermine that image.
For example, Sheryl Russell, a doctoral student in nursing at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville, found in a study of 535 women that those who dealt inappropriately with anger, either by suppressing it or by lashing out, were more likely to be overweight.
Group sessions with such women showed that almost any emotion, and especially anger, prompted them to eat to calm their feelings. That, in turn, made them angry at themselves and increased their feelings of loneliness and despair.
Changing your behavior and self-perceptions to make anger productive, not destructive, is both possible and desirable, according to Dr. Sandra Thomas, a psychiatric nurse who directed the study of anger in women.
Thomas, who heads the Center for Nursing Research at the University of Tennessee, said many people could significantly change their experience of anger on their own, without professional help.
She suggested starting by taking an inventory of circumstances that touch off a person's anger and how that anger is expressed.
"Keep a log of your anger experiences, recording with whom you become angry, to whom you express it, to whom you do not express it, how long it lasts, and what thoughts accompany it," she recommended. It may also help to note whether the expression of anger produced the desired result - and at what price.
"You'll begin to see patterns," she said. "Perhaps you always get angry with one child or over one issue. Maybe one kid pushes your button when you're tired and trying to fix dinner. The task then is to see what you might do differently."
For example, one might look calmly at the contentious issue and decide it is not worth fighting about or that another approach might be more effective. Or, in the case of the disruptive child, the parent might involve the child in dinner preparations, since what the child probably wants most is attention.
When the anger-provoking situation occurs at work - let's say, someone is always late getting material to you, or a task is done sloppily, requiring you to do it over yourself - it is usually best to confront the offending co-worker directly, but in a non-hostile, instructive way.
If the trigger of your anger is your boss, whom you cannot confront without placing your job in jeopardy, it may be necessary to defuse your anger, say, by taking a few minutes out of your work to meditate or practice deep breathing or by going for a jog or swim right after work.
Thomas' study showed that women who used exercise to calm angry feelings were emotionally healthier than those who turned to other outlets, like cigarettes, alcohol or food.
Among married people, spouses are the most frequent triggers of anger. But it is rare to deal with the incident directly, calmly and nonpejoratively so that the spouse might understand the reason for the anger and be motivated to change the offending behavior to avoid future confrontations.
The study of 535 women showed that most people are more likely to talk to a friend about anger-provoking actions of a spouse than they are to confront the spouse directly.
While it is better to talk to someone than to no one about angry feelings, a spouse cannot be expected to change his or her behavior if he or she is unaware of the problem.
Thomas said that many people who had difficulty dealing head-on with anger could benefit from joining a support group in which participants provide one another with insights and guidelines on how to approach a relative, friend or even a boss about anger-provoking acts or words.
Studies have shown that dealing effectively with someone who provokes anger is much more likely to strengthen than to weaken the relationship. It also enhances self-esteem in the person who had been angry.
It is also possible to learn to avoid reacting with anger to minor frustrations by standing back and asking oneself: "How important is this? Is it worth getting angry about?" If you find that no matter what you do, certain people or places get to you, it may be best to avoid them.
It is also important to avoid brooding about anger-provoking incidents. This increases rather than defuses feelings of anger and can turn a molehill of contention into a mountain of conflict, said Thomas, who found in the study that women who ruminated about anger were more likely to suffer physical and emotional health problems.
Next week: new findings about women and anger. New York Times
by CNB