Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, November 30, 1993 TAG: 9311300054
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 3 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Neil Chethik
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
Thus began an abusive relationship that lasted for a decade. During that\ time, the target of her rage gradually shifted from herself to him. She mocked\ him, punched him, poured coffee on him, threw flour at him. She rained vicious,\ hateful obscenities upon him.
And he took it. "I didn't want to lose her," Kevin says. "So I kept trying\ to manage her flashpoint. I kept thinking: I know this person, I know what\ sets her off, and I can stop it."
But, as is the case in most abuse situations, he couldn't. And last year,\ after a series of arguments over an unplanned pregnancy, he filed for divorce.\ Today, in therapy, he's still sifting through the wreckage of a love affair\ gone wrong. Mostly now, he blames her. She was the violent one. She should have\ found a way to stop. But looking back, he also recognizes that from the very beginning, they were on a collision course.
Emerging from his first marriage (where there was no violence), Kevin was\ emotionally desperate. He believed he needed a woman to feel good about\ himself. So after just a few weeks, he became dependent on Gayle, an\ intelligent, ambitious and beautiful woman.
But Gayle was also desperate. Abandoned by her father in her early teens,\ she seemed to long for close connections with men - and resent them at the\ same time. She also knew how to fight dirty, having learned it from her mother\ in the years following her father's departure.
Together, the couple lived a self-destructive cycle. Her anger would\ ignite; his insecurity would ensure that the relationship survived for another\ fight.
After her outburst in the car in 1981, he became increasingly careful\ about what he said. If he sensed that she was becoming enraged, he dropped the\ subject.
This strategy worked for about three years. Then they got married, and one\ evening, as he tried to leave their bedroom during an argument, she became\ physical with him.
First, she put her body in front of the door. Then, she poked her finger\ into his chest. Finally, the pokes turned into light punches, then harder\ punches, and eventually a series of them bouncing against his chest.
When he didn't stop her, a new precedent was set. These violent scenes\ repeated themselves every few months. While she hit hard (both partners were 5 foot 10, 150 pounds), the punches caused more humiliation than physical injury, he says. Once she poured her morning coffee over his head. Other times, she\ threw bottles, cans, cups and flour.
As his self-esteem plummeted, Kevin kept trying to convince himself that\ the abuse would stop. As if to confirm that hope, the couple made love within a\ day of almost every confrontation.
"Sex was the other side of the violence," Kevin says. "I could put all of\ that out of my head. ... I'm a good guy. She loves me. And I always thought:\ Maybe things will change."
But things did not change, even after the couple had a daughter in 1987. Once, they fought while driving 40 miles per hour, both of them trying to grab\ the steering wheel, their young daughter in a car seat behind them.
When a second child was conceived in 1991, he wanted an abortion. She\ refused. So he left her.
In divorce court, seeking joint custody of the children, he testified about\ the abuse he endured. The judge did not believe him.
Today, he sees his daughter and year-old son for about five days a month.\ Each time, he checks them for bumps and bruises. He has found none so far.
Men-tion
Of every 100 homicides involving intimate partners, one-third are committed by women, according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, 1991.
Male call
Men: Have you ever been hit by a woman? Is a woman hitting a man any different than vice versa? Women: Have you ever hit a man? Why? Send responses, questions and comments to The Men's Column, in care of the features department, Roanoke Times & World-News, P.O. Box 2491, Roanoke, Va. 24010-2491.
by CNB