Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, December 2, 1993 TAG: 9312010076
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 3 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Beth Macy
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
What gives? It seems like the Christmas season just keeps getting earlier and earlier. My wife and I have a running battle every year over the beginning of the holiday shopping season. She says it's when they put up that tacky tinsel star tree beside the Hotel Roanoke - mid-November. But I say it's as soon as you see all the candied fruitcake supplies in the produce section of Kroger - before Halloween. Please help us put an end to this nagging debate.
- B.D., Ironto.
Dear B.D.:
Good question! There seems to be a wide variety of opinions on this topic. Two of my neighbors, for instance, had all their 1993 Christmas shopping completed before most of us had even made a dent in our 1992 Christmas Visa bills - by the end of January, if you can imagine.
Whereas I tend to think you shouldn't do any shopping before you see that first Salad Shooter commercial on TV - somewhere around early November. Which brings me to another important issue:
Do people really use their Salad Shooters, or are they just a cousin of the Samarai Ginsu knife - a fading blip on the kitchen-gadget radar of time?
My friend Ed - who spends most of his days holed up in the Washington and Lee law library, sucking down Snickers bars and Dr Pepper - received a Salad Shooter from his mom for Christmas two years ago. This, despite the fact that his refrigerator has never contained anything remotely resembling a vegetable- or fruit- or protein-type product.
Unless you count cheese mold. But I digress . . .
Roanoke is a kitsch-rich town, in my opinion. And at no time of year does this become more evident than Thanksgiving evening, when at least one house on every block begins using enough electricity for its outdoor Christmas tree lights (and Santas, and reindeer, and mistletoe-laden manger scenes) to power the Mill Mountain Star, the "Jesus Saves" sign and Mini Graceland - for eternity.
It warms my heart (as I know it does Apco's) to drive by these kitsch-crazed sites every Thanksgiving evening. And to know that yes, finally, it's time to go out and buy Salad Shooters for all my friends and family. Now if I could only get that stupid jingle out of my head . . . "SA-lad shoo-TERRRR!!!"
Dear Queen of the Road:
What IS the deal with the Ted Danson "Cheers" billboard on Elm Avenue? - C.S., Roanoke
Dear C.S.:
It's bad enough being pregnant and trying to maneuver the 10 blocks to work - without getting hit by a Mack truck, as I almost did the other day. Now I also have Fox's new "Cheers" billboards to contend with in my absentminded state - without driving into oncoming traffic.
My husband and I have been puzzling over the new billboards ever since they were erected a few weeks ago. You'll notice that on some of them Ted Danson looks perfectly normal - the hairpiece, the sexy grin, everything.
But on some of the billboards - and the Elm Avenue one is a classic example - Ted's lower lip appears to be missing, giving passers-by a perfect cross between Danson and Donald Duck, which is more interesting than you might think.
"Cheers" fans will be glad to know that the missing lip takes a minimum of 10 years off Ted, his recent break-up with Whoopi notwithstanding. And he definitely looks better lipless than he did in that dorky cowboy outfit he wore in "Made in America."
Dear Roadmeister:
Please tell me, how are you supposed to maneuver the potholed, bumpy stretch of Wasena's Main Street, where the city has been digging up its new water line for the past two months? - M.W., Roanoke
Dear M.W.:
Funny you should ask! This is the exact same spot where I almost got hit pulling out in front of a Mack truck the other day. There was so much dust from the construction gravel that I could barely see the truck - until I was close enough to it to make out the dead bugs on the grill!
As for your question, I don't have any real strategies. You could drive in the left lane - and risk getting hit head-on. Or you could drive on the tree lawn - and risk hitting a telephone pole. Ever since the Mack truck near-incident, I personally have been avoiding that stretch of the road, driving through Raleigh Court instead (which, incidentally, offers a magnificent Christmas-light display on Maiden Lane, near Wasena).
The scavengers among you might not want to miss such a golden opportunity, however. We have spotted some pretty stellar hubcaps flying off cars, around the vicinity of Kerns and Main.
It reminds me of our wedding night, when a Salem police officer pulled us over because we were driving with two garbage-can lids tied to the back of our car (we thought they were beer cans). Not to mention my expensive almond/witch-hazel face soap, which our trickster friends had used to write such witty things as "Just Married" and "Tom + Beth 4EVER" all over our windows, so we couldn't see that it was indeed a trash-can lid - not a Budweiser can - flying off hazardly behind us. (I'm STILL mad about my face soap.)
"But we just got married," I said, pumping the officer's hand at least three times, hoping to charm him out of throwing us in jail on our wedding night.
"I can tell," he said, letting us go.
So my advice to you, M.W., is to watch out for flying hubcaps. It's dangerous out there.
And whatever you do - don't drive down Main Street with a full bladder.
Beth Macy, a features department staff writer, apologizes for breaking her one-exclamation-point-per-column rule. Her column runs Thursdays.
by CNB