Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, December 13, 1993 TAG: 9312130043
SECTION: VIRGINIA PAGE: C1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: CODY LOWE STAFF WRITER
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
Things are going to be different this Christmas for sisters Virginia Martin, Phyllis Bowdel and Dolly East.
Every year for as long as any of them cares to remember, they and their families have gathered at their mother's house in Garden City on Christmas Day. Their mother's death earlier this year, however, means new traditions have to be established as they learn to cope with that loss.
The sisters began dealing with the difficult combination of joy and grief that the holidays will surely bring at a memorial service Sunday afternoon at Vinton Baptist Church.
The memorial was the last of four sponsored by Oakey's Funeral Service for families of those who died this year. They reflect a growing involvement in what is known as "aftercare" in the funeral business.
For Martin, Bowdel and East, this was a "great service."
The speakers "knew just what to say" to make them feel better about the upcoming holiday, Martin said.
"They helped us think back, but think ahead, too," Bowdel said.
Almost 100 family members and friends of people who died during the past year attended Sunday's service. Similar services at Oakey's other chapel locations drew between 60 and 120 people.
David W. Peterson, a licensed professional counselor and former pastor who addressed each of the four services, used the 23rd Psalm as a guide for "resolving" to get through the grieving process and the holidays.
In the past year, Peterson said, his best friend, his father-in-law and a person he counseled all died. Like many of those in the church, he had gone through many stages of grief - anger, fear, guilt and resolution.
He encouraged those who will be grieving during the holidays to make a series of personal resolutions to help them. Those included deliberately choosing to worship God, be more thankful, enjoy every day more, forgive others, be receptive of forgiveness, schedule time to remember their deceased loved ones, be more giving, live heartily, be comforted, be friendly, and meet the needs of others.
Though they are not always as distinctively Christian as this event was, memorial services of this type are becoming more and more common, said Jim Singleton, president of the Virginia Funeral Directors' Association.
The services are good business - good public relations - he said, but most funeral home operators "really are interested in their people [and] want to be helpful."
"We wanted to give something back to the community," said Samuel Oakey III, secretary of Oakey's Funeral Service. Sponsoring the services was an expensive proposition, he said, and he initially wasn't sure how many people would be interested in them. The response, however, has convinced him of their worth.
For about a year, Oakey's has had a full-time aftercare coordinator - Grace Poff - who planned these services. She said she has gotten numerous cards from family members thanking the funeral homes for taking the initiative for the memorials.
Each of Oakey's four chapels also will have a candle lighted in its lobby every day until New Year's as a continuing memorial.
The services included a reading of the names of each of the people the chapel buried or cremated during the year. Participants in the services then lighted a candle in recognition of their friends or family members as they were encouraged to come up with a "wish or thought that you'd like to share with that loved one."
Lighting the candles was a demonstration that "we still care - for those we have lost and for each other," Oakey said.
by CNB