Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, December 13, 1993 TAG: 9312140265
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
Christmas Eve, 2041. It's snowing outside, and Father is in his smoking jacket - they invented a harmless tobacco in 2027 - and Mother calls from the kitchen.
``John,'' she says brightly, ``don't forget to read to the children from `A Chrismas Carol' and from that wonderful story by whoever that old guy was.''
``Just as soon as `It's a Wonderful Life' is over, dear,'' Father says. ``The old guy's name was Burgle or something like that.''
(By this time, Congress will have passed a law requiring everybody to watch ``It's a Wonderful Life'' at least twice during the season.)
It's true that I'm running out of time to write my Christmas classic.
But the race ain't over yet, pal, and I might break into warm-and-wonderful writing any day now. Listen, Bunky, I may not be warm and wonderful, but I'm durable.
I've been through four computer systems in my day, and I don't even know how to type. All this time I have lived in total ignorance of what I am doing. I can hack it.
I've already given it a little thought, and my hero would be a plain, hard-working type named Robert Smith. (Can't you see Jimmy playing him now?)
He is facing a bleak Christmas because his girlfriend met this weirdo on a talk show and has gone to live with this guy and six rather stout women on a hog farm in Patrick County.
She told Robert there was just so
mething about the way the guy smiled when the talk-show hostess asked: ``You mean you live on a hog farm with these six rather stout women?''
In addition, Robert's computer is on the blink and keeps flashing ``invalid filename'' and stuff like that on the s
creen.
He decides to do away with himself on Christmas Eve, but before he can do that the telephone rings.
It is this guy with a Jersey accent who wants to sell him some of these really great bonds with really great interest. Right. On Christmas Eve yet. And this guy is no angel sent down to save Robert from himself.
But, he does save Robert's life. Our man shoots the phone six times and throws the revolver through the window. He kicks the computer in anger, and it never says ``invalid filename'' again as long as its data base lives.
Then, his girlfriend, wearing mud-stained blue bib overalls comes through the door.
She says she has made a great mistake and that living on a hog farm is no fun. She says she was afraid all those pork chops, sweet potatoes and cornbread would make her fleshy like the six other women.
She asks Robert to forgive her, and he does. They embrace as snow blows through the broken window.
Not bad, actually. I can hear the kids now: ``Please, father, read the part again where he shoots the telephone.''
by CNB