Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: WEDNESDAY, December 15, 1993 TAG: 9312150068
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Dave Barry
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
THIS YEAR'S OFFICIAL GIFT GUIDE THEME
Our theme this year is "Gifts That Do Not Cost a Lot of Money, Yet Are, at the Same Time, Cheap." We are pleased to report that the average item in this year's guide costs LESS THAN $20. But don't let the low prices fool you! If you purchase these items and give them as gifts, the lucky recipients will never guess that you paid so little. The lucky recipients will guess that you found these items in a Dumpster.
Nevertheless, we want to stress that every item meets our Gift Guide Standards of Quality Excellence, which means:
1. THESE ARE REAL ITEMS THAT YOU CAN ACTUALLY BUY. We swear we did not make any of them up, NOT EVEN THE NOSE SPREADER.
2. THESE ITEMS HAVE PASSED OUR RIGOROUS INSPECTION PROGRAM. Before we include any item in the Gift Guide, we always inspect it carefully to see if maybe it is something that we might actually want to take home. So far, we never have.
3. THESE ITEMS ARE BACKED BY OUR EXCLUSIVE 100 PERCENT BUYER PROTECTION PLAN. If you purchase a Gift Guide item, and for any reason you are dissatisfied, you may obtain a full cash refund merely by sending the item to us, along with your receipt and a color photograph of Tipper Gore naked.
Ha ha! We are just kidding, of course. Black and white is fine.
CRACKER THROWER
$19.50 from Orvis, Historic Route 7A, P.O. Box 798, Manchester, Vt. 05254-0798, phone (800) 541-3541. Suggested by Carol Bellinger of Spokane, Wash.
This is the perfect gift for anybody on your holiday list who has a need for a mechanical device capable of throwing round crackers great distances. According to the Orvis catalog, this device was designed "to launch crackers into the air as challenging, biodegradable targets for trap shooters." But the catalog notes that you can also use it "at the beach as a sea gull feeder."
The catalog states that this device - which comes in both right-handed and left-handed models - is capable of throwing a cracker "up to 60 yards at incredible speeds." This leads us to think of a couple of additional uses for it, such as:
PERSONAL PROTECTION. In today's crime-ridden urban environment, you can give no more precious gift to a loved one than the gift of security. And think how secure your loved one would feel if he or she had the Orvis cracker thrower, preloaded, tucked away in his or her pocket or purse, ready to be pulled out the instant that trouble arises. Your hardened urban criminals are definitely going to have second thoughts about attacking a potential victim who is capable of launching a high-speed cracker at close range, especially if it is one of the technologically advanced high-impact assault crackers now available to the general public. ("UH-oh! Sesame seeds! Let's get out of here!" "Yeah! Those things really sting!")
DOGGIE BAG
$24.95 from Collar Craft, P.O. Box 490, Mt. Vernon, Mo. 65712, phone (800) 548-0908. Suggested by Mary McDonough of Columbia, S.C.
Do you know what's wrong with small dogs?
Well, yes, they DO have the intelligence of chewing gum and a tendency to express their love by peeing on your feet. But that is not what we are getting at. We are getting at the fact that small dogs, because of a foolish design oversight on the part of Mother Nature, do not have handles. Thus you generally have to carry them with both hands, which means that you do not have a hand free to carry, for example, a briefcase. This is why so many small-dog owners are unable to take their dogs with them to work.
And that is why you will want to give this item to the dog-owner on your gift list. This item is basically a nylon harness with a handle; it instantly converts an ordinary small dog into a small dog that can easily be carried anywhere, not just to the office, but also to restaurants, health clubs, theaters, weddings, bar mitzvahs and funerals. You need NEVER AGAIN be without your dog. You can take your dog EVERYWHERE - just like your cellular phone! In addition to constant companionship, a portable dog can be a powerful deterrent to hardened urban street criminals.
FIRST CRIMINAL: Stick 'em up!
YOU (calmly holding up your dog): I'd put that gun away if I were you.
SECOND CRIMINAL: Look out, Earl! It's peeing on your feet!
FIRST CRIMINAL: Yikes! Let's get out of here!
NOSE SPREADER
$18 from Robert Sullivan, 3127 Kentwood Dr., Eugene, Ore. 97401, phone (503) 686-6650. Suggested by Carol Tomashek of Eugene, Ore.
There is an old saying in the holiday-gift business: "Good things come in small packages that you remove the things from and then stick them up your nose." That could not be more true of this item, the Sully Nose Spreader.
This is a real item conceived of and manufactured by a retired engineer, businessman and inventor named Robert "Sully" Sullivan of Eugene, Ore. The Sully Nose Spreader is a device for people who have trouble sleeping because their noses close up when they lie down to go to sleep (this is known as "nose collapse"). Sullivan's press release states:
"The spreader is made of chrome steel, the same material used for braces to straighten teeth. Medically safe. To use this spreader, just before you go to bed, insert it into your nose. Go to bed and go to sleep, there is no feeling after you insert the spreader in your nose."
When we ordered the official Gift Guide nose spreader from Sullivan, he sent it with a handwritten letter recounting the following inspirational anecdote:
"One 60-some-year-old woman came to my home and asked me if I could help her (she lives in England). I told her I would try, she came in and told me she had not breathed through her nose in 25 years. ... She put one in her nose and she could breathe. (Through her nose.)"
We actually inserted our nose spreader into our personal nose, and we must say that we have never before experienced this degree of comfort with a wire thing up our nose, once we overcame the momentary terror that we would need surgical help to get it back out. Based on this experience, we strongly recommend this item as the ideal gift for anybody on your holiday list who needs to breathe. But please make sure that the recipient reads the directions before attempting to use this device. ("No no NO! You were supposed to insert it in your NOSE!") Tribune Media Services
INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE CHRISTMAS-TREE ORNAMENT
$11 from The Treasury Historical Association, P.O. Box 28118, Washington, D.C. 20038-8118, phone (202) 895-5250. Suggested by Miriam Howe of Crownsville, Md.
This item is so wonderful that we feel obligated to remind you we are not making it up. This is a Christmas-tree ornament created to mark the 80th anniversary of the establishment of the income tax. It's gold-plated metal, and it depicts a 1913 IRS form (which was one page). At the bottom it says: "Eighty Years of Income Tax" and "Many Happy Returns." (Ha ha! Get it?)
This unique gift idea was created by the Treasury Historical Association, a nonprofit organization that will use the proceeds to purchase new cattle prods for needy IRS agents.
No, we are kidding. The proceeds will be used to help restore the Old Treasury Building in Washington, D.C. This is certainly a worthy cause, so you will want to purchase this ornament for a special taxpayer on your holiday list. Remember, however, that if you do not order this ornament in time for holiday gift-giving, you MUST order Extension Ornament 2093-3J on or before the sixth fiscal week of the holiday season unless you are a joint taxpayer giving gifts singly. If we were you, we would contact our lawyer immediately.
FLAME JET WEEDER
$14.95 from Carol Wright Gifts, 340 Applecreek Rd., Lincoln, Neb. 68544-8503, phone (402) 474-5174. Suggested by Nathan M. Brooks of Arlington, Va.
This is the perfect gift idea for the person who has:
1. A garden or yard.
2. Insurance.
What this item is, basically, is a blowtorch with a long metal tube attached. This means that, instead of having to bend all the way over and pull out those nasty weeds by hand, you simply fire up your Flame Jet Weeder and stride around your garden or yard, incinerating weeds, insects, worms, squirrels, small dogs and any other life form in your path. If you have an adolescent son, we're betting he'll be MORE than willing to do a LOT of yard work, if he can use the Flame Jet Weeder, thereby freeing you to relax and watch TV until it's time to call the fire department.
We think this could also be the ideal item for the single men on your holiday gift list who would like to be able to pick up women in bars by lighting their cigarettes from as many as three bar stools away. ("Here, allow me . . . WHOOPS!" "EEEKK!! MY HAIR!!!!" "Sorry!")
by CNB