
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, December 20, 1993                   TAG: 9402180011
SECTION: EDITORIAL                    PAGE: A9   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN PERDUE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

YEAR 11

CHRISTMAS, for most, is a very happy time. But for me, it is the saddest time of year, because I'm in prison.

I have memories of my two children opening their gifts on Christmas morning and the smiles on their faces while opening their presents. While having those memories, other memories of them come to mind.

I remember taking my youngest to parks and yard sales with me. I remember fixing her lunch each day when I was keeping her. How, for some reason, me being a dad, I could easily get her to take a nap.

I remember my firstborn wanting me to play with her when I got off work, but I always told her I was too tired. Most of the time, I was too high or drunk from drinking alcohol. I can remember her smiles while I'd play old Hank Williams records and I, being drunk, would sing along with Hank. I remember taping some of those songs while I sang along. I really believed I sounded great!

A few days later, when sober, I'd play the tapes back and I couldn't believe how awful I actually sounded. Then I realized why my daughter was laughing. She was laughing at her drunken dad. I'd be willing to bet that she would be laughing on the outside but crying on the inside - crying because her dad always felt good enough to get drunk but never felt like playing with her.

I've been away from my children for 11 Christmases. I hope to one day have a relationship with my children and my grandchildren, too. I plan to - this time - be a real dad to my children and grandfather to my grandchildren. I remember the oldest calling me Junior and the youngest calling me Daddy. How sweet either of those names would sound to me today - to hear my children calling my name.

I lost that respect and honor years ago when I put alcohol, money and women before my family. For years, I've wished I could turn the clock back to the days before I lost my family.

I'm clean now and I've changed. I hope each father or mother who has a drug or alcohol problem will get help before they lose what they cherish most - a hug, a smile (your child calling out ``Mommy'' or ``Daddy'') and the loss of freedom, which is most important. Because, my friends, once the freedom's gone, most everything else dear to you is lost, also.

Please get help, if you do have a problem, before it's too late!

\ Ben Perdue is a prisoner at the Bland Correctional Center.

by CNB