Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, December 20, 1993                   TAG: 9312240001
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Joe Kennedy
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

IF ONLY HAVING FUN COULD BE SO EASY

Sharon planned it, organized it and paid for it. She was taking the children and me to Myrtle Beach for Thanksgiving. We had a suite on the ocean, tickets to some music shows and nothing else to do but relax.

They relaxed. I didn't. Not for three days, anyway. And then it was time to come home.

Once upon a time, relaxing was my thing. In college, I majored in it. Now, it has become my Holy Grail. The trip to Myrtle Beach made two vacations in a row where I'd spent two or three days disgruntledly telling myself I should be having fun, yet having none.

This is one of the ironies of middle age. Just when you think things will get easier, they don't. Even simple things, like relaxing.

Is it healthy? Probably not. Normal? ``Absolutely,'' says Alan Katz, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Roanoke. Of course, he might be biased. He has trouble relaxing on vacations, too.

He says it's irrational to think we should be able to have instant fun when we go away. For starters, we're out of our element, removed from the day-to-day schedules that may seem rigid but also feel comfortable. On vacations, we never know what to expect. That's unsettling. But if something unanticipated occurs, we should try to accept it. You know, go with the flow.

A friend of mine who is a dentist told me recently that he has trouble unwinding because he's so used to controlling his practice. He likes vacations where plenty of activities are planned. Others, like me, are more difficult to please. Activities are all right, especially if they're meaningful. But those first 48 hours are troublesome, no matter what.

Over Thanksgiving, I took along a book I had to read for my job and plenty of paper for a piece I wanted to write. While my family sported on the breezy, balmy beach, I sat in the condo, struggling to concentrate.

If that's not workaholism, it is alarmingly close to it.

Katz says women are as prone as men to this sort of thing, especially women who work in highly competitive arenas, such as marketing, law and the retail business. If you shoulder that burden for 40 or 50 hours per week, you won't be able to shrug it off when you finally get time to yourself.

But even if it takes you a few days to unwind, you're luckier than some.

``I frequently see people in my practice who never cease to astound me,'' the psychologist says. ``They don't take vacations. It's been years since they've broken out of their routines. I understand financial pressures ... but to avoid taking care of oneself at that level, to break out of the grind, is destructive to one's physical and mental health.''

Indeed. Talk about sick. But that's not our problem. Our problem is that we're slow to enjoy the vacations we take.

I think it might have been all right to carry my work materials to the beach, if I hadn't left my spontaneity and sense of humor at home. My wife and children knew what was coming from small clues, like my refusal to tune to a rock station on the drive down, my muttered disapproval of ``Ren 'n Stimpy'' on the condo's cable TV and my refusal to stroll mindlessly through the uncrowded penny arcades. Frivolousness is ruining America, you know. It must be stamped out, and I'm ready to do my part.

Then, suddenly, on the gray, rainy morning of Day Four, my mood shifted. We had a jovial breakfast, then packed the car and headed into the fog and mist. Rock music played on the radio; shenanigans broke out in the back seat; we stopped at loathesome fast-food restaurants, and yet none of this dispelled my merry outlook. Nor did arriving at the house and finding the gravel of the driveway washing toward the creek.

Inside, after we'd unpacked, I swept my daughter into my arms and danced her around the kitchen while jazz played on the radio. Everyone laughed and squealed.

That was the irony: We had spent hundreds of dollars and driven hundreds of miles in pursuit of something we found at home.

Frustrating? You bet. But there's an obvious solution: longer vacations for people in middle age. Remembering how to have fun is difficult, time-consuming work.