Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, December 23, 1993 TAG: 9312250115
SECTION: EDITORIAL PAGE: A7 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Ray L. Garland
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
For President Clinton, a box of Argo Starch and some butter that f+iwillo melt in his mouth when he goes into that "I feel your pain" mode. Also, any tax he doesn't like.
For Hillary Clinton, her husband's new will, cutting out Al Gore and making the office of president a joint tenancy with the right of survivorship. Better still, an amendment to the Constitution stating that when the president's spouse is of the female persuasion, she will have the power to decide policy traditionally enjoyed by all wives in picking out drapes for the living room. But when the president's spouse is of the male persuasion, and the sooner the better, he will have free run of Camp David - which will also serve as his permanent domicile.
For Vice President Al Gore, a debate every week with Ross Perot. Larry King willing, that will be easy, but won't they soon run out of subjects? Some ideas go with the gift: "Is tiddlywinks a more interesting game than tabletop croquet?" Or, "Which of us best illustrates the maxim, `Less is more?'''
For H. Ross Perot, a statement signed by everybody in America that they intend to vote for him in 1996 so he can take a few days off from campaigning.
For Gov.-elect George Allen, a copy of the sayings of former Vice President Alben Barkley, who first posed the question, "What is a bureaucrat?" and then answered it: "A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds a job that some Republican wants."
For Gov. Douglas Wilder, a new pair of running shoes to replace all those he has worn out over the past four years. Also, a Friends of Doug Wilder Committee that needs a room larger than a telephone booth in which to hold meetings.
For Sen. Charles Robb, a newspaper story in which the words "coke parties" and "Virginia Beach" do not appear. Also, membership on any jury hearing a case in which Doug Wilder is the defendant.
For Oliver North, a story about him in which no reference is made either to Iran-Contra or the gap between his front teeth. Also, a Virginia is for Ollie Lovers Committee headed by Sen. John Warner.
For Sen. John Warner, a gold-embossed, framed copy of the 11th commandment: "Thou shalt speak no ill of any fellow Republican." Also, a "Come home, all's forgiven" note from Mike Farris.
For GOP senatorial aspirant Jim Miller, any Republican other than John Warner willing to believe he can win the nomination.
For Republican state Chairman Pat McSweeney, a Warren Commission all his own to decide whether the "single-bullet theory" is credible, and to tell him whether that thing in his back gushing blood is an entry wound or an exit wound.
For Democratic state Chairman Mark Warner, a gross of giant dustpans to clean up the mess he's been left. And, for those times he needs to talk to somebody who'll understand, Pat McSweeney's unlisted number.
For Lt. Gov. Don Beyer, anybody outside his immediate family who knows who he is. Also, a sworn statement by Doug Wilder, notarized in the presence of 20 witnesses, stating that under no circumstances will he, Wilder, endorse Beyer for governor in 1997 - unless asked to come out against him, in which case it will be all right.
For Mary Sue Terry, a sentiment for this year's Christmas card: "What a difference a year makes."
For Bill Dolan, late of the attorney general's race, a membership renewal in Politicians Anonymous.
For James Gilmore, laws promptly passed making spitting on the sidewalk, jaywalking and parking in a loading zone punishable by life imprisonment without parole. Also, lessons from Andy Miller, Marshall Coleman and Mary Sue Terry on the simple pleasures of just being attorney general without worrying all the time about running for governor.
For House Speaker Tom Moss and Majority Leader Dick Cranwell, emergency humility-implants and a ladder on which to climb down off their high horses.
For Democratic Congressmen L.F. Payne, Norman Sisisky and Owen Pickett, a whole year in which they can enjoy the ineffable relief of not having to pretend to be any kind of conservative and can just whoop it up with Bill and Hillary.
For the politically correct everywhere, complimentary copies of "Cigar Aficionado" and the Rush Limbaugh Newsletter. Everybody ought to be able to take a day off now and then.
For Lorena Bobbitt, a lifetime subscription to Fine Cutlery Makes the Home. And for John Wayne Bobbitt, The Good Sport of the Year Trophy, which will be permanently retired in his honor.
For newspapers and columnists, readers and a day in which no one mentions CNN. From us to you, best wishes of the season: May we have the sense not to take ourselves too seriously and to see the abundant good that life offers.
\ Ray L. Garland is a Roanoke Times & World-News columnist.
by CNB