Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, December 27, 1993 TAG: 9401150023
SECTION: EDITORIAL PAGE: A7 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Monty S. Leitch
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
Every Christmas, including this one, I get socks and underwear instead.
You probably think I want riches and fame for the same reasons everyone else wants riches and fame: a new house, a Mercedes Benz, an invitation to dinner at the White House.
Not so. I want riches and fame so I can also get a guest appearance on ``Star Trek.''
Either ``The Next Generation'' or ``Deep Space Nine'' will do just fine. I really don't care.
Although I think my chances with ``Deep Space Nine'' are better.
For one thing, last week I met this guy who went to college with Avery Brooks. (Avery Brooks is, as of course you know, that beautiful man who plays Benjamin Sisko on DS9.)
I think this mutual acquaintance of mine and Avery's could probably call up Avery and say, ``Listen, have I got a terrific woman for you!''
Then the two of them could discuss possible plot lines involving some crisis, resolved by a slightly gray, slightly paunchy space traveler with a deep Southwest Virginia drawl.
Let's say this space traveler is a venerable writer/oracle/priestess on her 57th book tour of the universe. Let's say she's irresistible to men of all species and wise beyond reckoning.
I think it could happen. With just the right contacts, just the right script, I could be a DS9 star.
But there's another reason I think I'd have a better chance of DS9 than on ``The Next Generation.''
The clothes. On DS9 the outfits are ... well ... more forgiving. Lots of, uh, characters on DS9 appear to be attired with an eye to hiding midriff bulge.
Midriff bulge doesn't seem to be a problem with anyone on ``The Next Generation,'' especially Counselor Troi. Given the way I look in lycra, this could be a problem for me. Indeed, given the way I look in lycra, I think I'd rather die than wear lycra side-by-side with Counselor Troi.
On the other hand, a guest appearance on DS9 alone would completely preclude the possibility of any steamy little romance with Patrick Stewart, a.k.a. Capt. Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise.
Unless, of course, that aforementioned plot line involving the space traveler/oracle/priestess /writer-with-a-drawl also involved some sort of intergalactic crisis that necessitated the Federation sending reinforcements to DS9 - to protect the Worm Hole, say, or to fend off yet another attack by the Borg or Vedek Winn.
If I'm going to be wishing for riches and fame I might as well wish for a tete-a-tete with Jean-Luc Picard while I'm at it.
Now, you probably think this is a pretty-farfetched idea, me on ``Star Trek.''
But you'd be surprised how many rich and famous people have made, as their first rich-and-famous request, a shot at the space opera big time.
I don't think it's out of the question at all. Which is why ``riches'' and ``fame'' are right back at the top of my letter to Santa for next year. Before I die, I'm gonna make it in space.
\ Monty S. Leitch is a Roanoke Times & World-News columnist.
by CNB