
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: FRIDAY, December 31, 1993                   TAG: 9312310025
SECTION: VIRGINIA                    PAGE: B-1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: ED SHAMY
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

I PREDICT THIS IS ALL I'LL PREDICT FOR THE ROANOKE VALLEY

Here, as promised, are my unerring predictions for the latter half of 1994. If you're interested in January through June, you'll have to burrow for Wednesday's newspaper, which you've probably already stuffed into that hole in the roof:

July

Whitey Taylor, prohibited from selling beer at Franklin County Speedway, gives a free jigger of bourbon to the first 1,000 paying customers.

Ruby the tiger escapes Mill Mountain Zoo; recaptured while eating a peregrine falcon on a rooftop in Vinton.

Bedford County Sheriff Carl Wells says he may have used Sheriff's Office money to have tires on his personal car rotated, but the tire dealer told him that was legal.

August

New Century Council reports first-year progress: Some members prefer ice water, some don't. The factions compromise by deciding that ice will be served separately.

Citing unbearable costs affiliated with maintaining deciduous trees, Jefferson National Forest chops down all oak, maple, hickory, poplar, sycamore and beech trees.

Roanoke Memorial Hospital will build a 35-story addition specifically for head transplants.

September

All Roanoke schoolchildren, kindergarten through 12th grade, are issued a start-of-year survival kit, which includes a .22-caliber handgun, half a dozen condoms and a can of spray paint.

First Union Bank offers to sell 14 vacant stories of its downtown tower to Roanoke Memorial Hospital for its new addition.

New Century Council totals: 4,025 flip charts; 9,552 Magic Markers; 25,000 hours; four ideas.

October

Roanoke County stocks its new Spring Hollow Reservoir with piranha to discourage trespassing.

Roanoke opens a magnet school for asbestos-removal.

Carl Wells sees nothing wrong with his purchase of lingerie with blended checking account. Someone told him it was legal - Wells can't remember who that was, but knows he's dead.

November

Virginia voters, faced with senatorial choice between Oliver North and Chuck Robb, write in and elect Dr. Jack Kevorkian.

Salem Buccaneers sold to Larry Revo; moved to Huntsville, Ala.

During Roanoke River flooding, rocket ship is torn from its mooring in Wasena Park and swept downstream. Ten days later, it clogs the Lake Gaston pipeline.

December

Apco agrees that high-voltage power lines are aesthetically unpleasant, says it will instead lay the 765,000-volt line on the ground for its 115-mile run from West Virginia into Virginia. "Slightly more dangerous," the utility concedes, "but a whole lot less ugly."

At Stagg Bowl II in Salem, fans from two colleges never before heard of get into a rumble. Police later blame incident on widespread local rumor that game was to be between Patrick Henry and William Fleming high schools.

Construction crew renovating the Hotel Roanoke discovers the mummified remains of a man and a woman who apparently waited very long for a desk clerk just prior to World War II.

This is Ed Shamy's last column for the Roanoke Times & World-News. He will become the editor of the Carroll County Times of Westminster, Md. Both newspapers are owned by Landmark Communications.

by CNB