
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, March 2, 1994                   TAG: 9403020194
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

IT'S WIT, NOT WEIGHT, THAT MATTERS

Although St. Paddy's Day is still in the future, I've been getting in shape for my 50th class reunion at Radford High School this summer.

I had thought about getting certain medical procedures to make my body look better, but decided we needed the money for when the heating oil budget contract is up.

"Actually, my little snow drop," I said to the greatest station wagon driver of them all, "the preacher does say that all is vanity, and my fellow class members have always taken me as I am. I mean, one could hardly expect me to stay handsome forever.

``Age, however, can't interfere with being witty, urbane, sophisticated and a person of infinite variety."

"Yeah, right," the driver said. "From what I've seen in the old annual, nobody would be surprised to see that you still have several chins and a somewhat ample waistline."

"I'm trying to do something about that," I said. "But it hurts. I passed out on the rowing machine Monday and had pains in the stomach while doing the abdominal crunches. And I fell off the jogging trampoline twice this very morning."

"You've got to face the fact that you're old, Bennie," the driver said.

"I do. I do." I said. "I wake up at 3 a.m. and face the fact. I realize that I have a car that is almost as old as I was when I graduated from high school. I have a pillow almost that old. And I hear time's winged footsteps pretty bad at that hour of the morning."

"Hear me, my children," the driver chanted. "Your father is hearing time's winged footsteps again. You will recall that he has been dying pretty regularly since 1963."

"I can't help it," I said. "I inherited all this dying stuff from my family. Everybody used to say they wouldn't see another Christmas. Even my dog Sport had a death wish.

"But to return to the reunion. Do you think it would be all right if I changed my hairdo? I mean, well, wear it long the way I did when I was 17. It was brown then and naturally curly and, well, you know, I was just wondering."

"Whatever," the driver said. "But if you dye your hair or go anywhere near a bottle of Grecian Formula, I will personally make sure everybody knows it."

The driver's right. Vanity is not good for you. I'm prepared to smile when the first person I meet at the reunion says, "Good God, Bennie, what happened to you?"

by CNB