Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: SUNDAY, March 27, 1994                   TAG: 9403260023
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 19   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: By KATHLEEN WILSON STAFF WRITER
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

THERE'S NEWS IN ALL THIS SOMEWHERE

(Imagine it as a Paul Shafer-sung introduction to a piece of David Letterman schtick.)

As the newspaper's spring fashion section approaches, mail from designers all over the world pour in. Carolina Hererra. Calvin Klein. Donna Karan. Isaac Mizrahi. Claude Montana. Gianni Versace.

Sounds tres glam, right?

It is. The first time you put together a fashion section. After a while, Carolina and Calvin and Gianni all blur together.

Then you unearth the real news.

Big news in from the Polyester Council of America. ``Take risks! Think globally! Wear polyester!''

They swear polyester can be styled in a variety of stunning fabrics, but you wouldn't know it to look at the black-and-white press photos they sent.

``This spring, take a jaunt to the Eiffel Tower in Paris, travel the road barefoot to Morocco or take a ride up the Nile in Egypt - or just let your fashion fantasy fly - and look for a spectrum of world-wise fashion silhouettes interpreted in comfortable, versatile and stylishly polyester.''

(By the way, we did the Polyester Council of America a favor and corrected their interpretive spelling of both Eiffel Tower and Morocco to help them out in their plea that we become more ``world-wise.'')

If you want to look like Kathy Ireland in a bathing suit, just hop over to K-mart.

She's introducing an entire line of swimwear, retailing for under $25.

``Growing up in Santa Barbara with her parents, two sisters, a dog, some cats, chickens, frogs, and ducks, Kathy was shy, tall, and skinny,'' mourns her press material.

Don't feel too sorry for her. It says she also held down a paper route and received ``courier of the year'' three years in a row.

Kathy offers what all women need - a checklist for finding the perfect swimsuit. You're supposed to be able to answer yes to all of the following questions: Is it made well? Does it move with you? Will it stay on when you are in the water? Does it enhance your figure? Hide your flaws?

She also got paid to recommend that you ``hang to dry.''

Dolly Parton is coming out with her own perfume and make-up!

The woman well-known for saying, ``It costs a lot of money to look this cheap'' is introducing all sorts of war paint, with cute Dolly names, like ``Kinder Liner'' eye pencils and ``Get Glowing'' blush.

You can catch it all on her upcoming infomercial or, if you happen by Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tenn., she'll be hawking it in ``Dolly's Dressing Room.''

Buy yourself some, and you'll be granted automatic membership into the Dolly Parton Butterfly Beauty Club.

If none of this grabs you, then check out Donna Karan's new line of spring intimates.

For $155, you can own yourself a pair of Donna Karan boxer shorts.

Now that's goofy.