Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, September 5, 1994 TAG: 9409080007
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: By DARRYL E. OWENS ORLANDO (FLA.) SENTINEL
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
``Mommy! Mommy! Guess what Johnny did?!''
As a parent, you're likely all too familiar with the little boy's opening salvo, the sing-songy prelude to a tattler's tale.
While experts say most children will tattle at one time or another, they suggest that parents can help squelch the habit before it takes root.
Many children add tattling to their arsenals for manipulating parents at a relatively early age, said Ron Whittall, a Winter Park, Fla., marriage and family therapist, noting that many children start wagging their tongues around 2 or 3 ``up until they're 90. It's called sibling rivalry. You'll find lots of times that once children are grown, they're still telling tales about the other.''
Why do children tattle?
Revenge. To pin the blame on someone else. To get their share. Motives usually change as the child gets older. But usually as the child grows, he doesn't tattle as often, eventually stopping the habit altogether. Tattlers older than 12 usually are coping with poor self-esteem, experts say.
Not all tattling is bad, however. Tattling about a dangerous situation involving a family member or to report abuse on a child is considered ``reporting.'' That's the good kind. The bad kind of tattling is done to cause trouble, not prevent it.
At any age, tattling can be a problem. Experts say tattling stokes the friction already present in many sibling relationships. The fists may fly if tattling is a constant factor in the household.
Yet families often have a different read as to what tattling is.
``Tattling is usually an attention-getting mechanism, a child's effort to win favor and have an adult take sides,'' said Marjorie R. Nelsen, director of Partners in Learning, an Orlando parenting resource group.
But even so, Whittall said, ``a child might report on the other children, but in some families this is totally acceptable; other parents will tell them they don't want to hear anything like that.''
Tattling does fade away, with or without help from the parents, experts say. But that doesn't mean it's not a good idea to help ease it on its way.
Sooner or later, most children are going to tattle, and when they do, they usually have several motives: Some tattle in order to get another child in trouble; some tattle to avoid trouble for themselves. Other times, youngsters tattle simply to get what they think they are entitled to.
``If one child feels the other child is going to get more, in order to get some equity, the child might tattle,'' said Deborah Carter, an Altamonte Springs, Fla., psychologist.
As children age, their motives evolve.
Preschoolers generally tattle to curry favor and attention, with no ``deep and devious'' intentions, Whittall said. Children 6 or 7 often use tattling to get revenge on another child.
``Usually, there's an invasion of their space, something that they don't like that happened to them,'' Carter said.
Tattling in children 12 and older, however, can signal problems with self-esteem, experts say. A child of this age often tattles in order to feel better about himself.
A key for parents is to figure out the child's goal in tattling.
``It's important to see the goal of the child's behavior,'' said Thomas Fisher, a Winter Park psychologist. ``If you see the goal, you can understand it [the tattling] much better.''
It helps for parents to teach the child to distinguish between tattling and ``reporting,'' experts say.
``Within the family unit, you should encourage reporting: If somebody's life is in danger, you say `Yes, yes, we want to hear that.' That's not tattling,'' Fisher said.
That distinction is particularly crucial when it comes to warning your child about strangers and child abuse; often, the standard line abusers give children is ``if you tattle, you'll get into trouble because nobody likes tattlers,'' Fisher said.
Meanwhile, when that fateful day comes - and it likely will - when one child comes racing into your room with some juicy tidbit concerning his sibling, how you respond as a parent will influence whether the child gives up tattling or becomes the dreaded school hall monitor type.
If the child gets ``behavior rewarded and encouraged, you [the parent] tend to fertilize it, and it will continue on,'' Fisher said.
``If you refuse to respond to it, the behavior will diminish and die.''
Parents need to be consistent.
``Kids are brilliant, they're brilliant psychologists. They read parents. If one parent is amenable to listening to the tattling and the other isn't, the child is going to go to the one that listens,'' Fisher said.
But if the tattling persists in spite of the lack of encouragement, parents might want to address the problem head-on.
``I think you want to make sure that the child's needs are met; if not, that will lead to frustration,'' Carter said, ``but you want to make the event, not the tattling the focus.''
The primary goal, experts say, should be to teach children - when violence is not an issue - to work things out amongst themselves without Mommy or Daddy's help.
At first, Mom or Dad might play mediator.
``It's really good for the parent to assess what [information] the child is presenting and have both children involved in the discussion. Determine what is the problem here, make a good judgment, not pitting one against the other,'' Carter said.
``A lot of times, parents can short-circuit the tattling by not taking sides.''
Parents can use role-playing, or model appropriate behaviors to demonstrate how to solve the situation peacefully.
As parents, you might say ``we expect each child to be responsible for his own behavior,'' Fisher said. ``You might say something like, `I'm not comfortable with hearing about your brother's behavior from you. How would you like it if he told on you?' That's not going to work immediately, but after a while, the child will get the idea that tattling doesn't work.''
Keep in mind, the earlier you start weaning the child off tattling, the better.
If you delay, experts say, the child may be in for a shock when they reach the ``real'' world.
``The rough edges get knocked off in kindergarten,'' Fisher quipped.
If nothing else, ``they're probably not going to have good peer relationships,'' Carter said. ``They probably are going to be the ones that tell on kids in the classroom. There will always be a challenging, spy mood with them. As children, it makes [the tattler] feel like it's me against them.''
Parents should try to instill their 5- or 6-year-olds - who are at an age when they are less self-absorbed and begin to think of others - with ``their own sense of `this is my business and this isn't my business,' '' Carter said.
``Teach children to intervene in a pro-social way,'' she said, adding to warn them that ``taking advantage of another to get needs met is a no-no.''
by CNB