
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: FRIDAY, January 7, 1994                   TAG: 9401110254
SECTION: EDITORIAL                    PAGE: A9   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Paxton Davis
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

NO PROBLEM

RECLUSES dislike doorbells, but I had to lower my guard the other morning when I found good old Dr. Quick Fix on the doorstep. Though I'd read a lot about him lately, I hadn't seen him in person for a long time, and, to my surprise, was glad to.

``By all means,'' I said, ushering him in. ``What've you been up to?''

``Oh, the usual,'' he said with his customary exuberance. ``A bit of Christmas solves all problems, so I've been spreading the economic good news.''

``Which is?''

``That getting and spending will pull us out of the economic morass.'' He chuckled. ``Seems to have done the trick too.''

``But what about unemployment?''

``Well, we'll just grow jobs through the sale of Barbies and Nintendos and the like.''

He sat back, clutching his mug of cheer like a furry bear settling in for the winter, and I took a fresh look at him after all these years. He was wearing his customary nubby tweed suit of green check, with a yellow overlay, and his spats had been picked to match. He'd kept his derby on, of course, and now lighted a cigarette, to my obvious displeasure.

``Good for the state,'' he assured me. ``Good for Virginia. And I always pick filtered nontars. No problem.''

When I'd stopped coughing I asked, ``Tell me what you've been doing.''

``Being busy as eight hives of honeybees,'' he said. ``I did George Allen's campaign, as you know, and thought my touch, though I say it who shouldn't, simply masterful. Even the lamest of brains, not excluding George, could win on a promise like that. People are scared. They're sure they're going to be killed in their beds. So I found the answer.''

``Abolish parole?''

``Exactly. It's the 1993 counterpart of that `No new taxes' gig I whomped up for George Bush in 1988.''

``But Bush lost four years later.''

``Well, he won in 1988,'' he said. ``I can't help it if people don't keep their promises.''

``And before that?''

``I've been at it a long time, remember. Lemme see. There was that `I will go to Korea' I invented for Ike in 1952, and, as you can see, Korea's no longer a problem. Then I cooked up `massive retaliation' for Dulles and `missile gap' for Kennedy, and both kept the country moving.''

``Moving where?''

``Ahead, man. Where else can a country move?''

``And later?''

``Well, I confess my `domino theory' turned out poorly,'' he said. ``But it was sure good for Lyndon for a time and wonderful for the economy. But I really got going with Ron and Nancy.''

``You mean - ?''

``I mean I did it all: `Just say no,' for example, and `The evil empire,' and `Morning in America.' They were all my work, and you see how voters loved them.''

``I also see they were meaningless.''

``Sure, but what's a quick fix for? And then there were Grenada, and Cuba, and turning Saddam Hussein into Hitler, and calling it `Desert Storm.' Not bad for an old-timer, I'd say; and then came Slick Willie, who can call it manure in the morning and apple pie at night. A wonderful client.''

``You've been highly successful, then?''

He winked. ``You bet. Just remember: Dr. Quick Fix's quick fixes fix quickly.''

\ Paxton Davis is a Roanoke Times & World-News columnist.

by CNB