Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, February 7, 1994 TAG: 9402070031
SECTION: VIRGINIA PAGE: C-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: CODY LOWE STAFF WRITER
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
In many families, traditions help provide continuity from generation to generation. They are keys to identity, links to the past, maps to the future.
Dr. Tod Stillson is determined to put an end to one tradition in his family, though - divorce.
"There has been generation upon generation of divorce in my family," Stillson said. His mother and all of her six siblings have been divorced, as have other aunts, uncles, grandparents.
"I know what it is to experience a bad marriage. I've seen the legacy of bad marriage. I'm a product of it." He's determined to do what he can to make his own 5-year-old marriage a success and help others nourish and maintain their marriages.
Stillson - a resident in family practice at Roanoke Memorial Hospital - is the local volunteer coordinator for the FamilyLife Marriage Conference scheduled March 4 through 6 at the Roanoke Airport Marriott hotel.
The conference is one of 75 being sponsored this year by Little Rock, Ark.-based FamilyLife Conferences. FamilyLife is a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ, a national evangelistic organization whose work now extends beyond the college campuses where it got its start.
Similar conferences have drawn thousands to the weekend-long events, which include seminars, workbook exercises and a "date night."
Stillson and his wife, Jane, a doctor of pharmacy who also works at Roanoke Memorial, have been to three of the conferences in their relatively short marriage.
It was Tod Stillson's family background - not any trouble in their marriage - that led the Stillsons to their first conference, they said.
What has brought them back to two more conferences - and led them to help organize one in Roanoke - is the conviction that what they believe is a good marriage has been made even better.
"People ask us, `Why go three times?' " Jane Stillson said. "Marriage is a lot like an automobile - they need maintenance work. Some just need a regular oil change every 2,000 or 3,000 miles; others need major engine repair."
Even what might appear to be little adjustments can have a real impact, Jane Stillson said.
At their first conference - a year and a half into their marriage - they picked up on the suggestion that married couples have a "date night" every week.
That means setting a date to get out of the house - not just renting a movie and stretching out on the couch.
Taking time and energy to be with each other "tells my wife she's important to me," Tod Stillson said.
That gets to what may be the heart of these conferences - communication.
Workshops focus on what the organizers call "transparent communication."
"I like to avoid conflict," Jane Stillson said, "so I would just build up frustrations, then explode."
"I wasn't changed instantly - I'm still working on it," she said, but she believes being able to deal openly and honestly with conflict has strengthened their relationship.
They knew each other pretty well, Tod Stillson said, having been "in the same homeroom in the same small town in Indiana from kindergarten through 12th grade."
What they found out was that even after knowing each other for most of their 28 years, "marriage was a whole different level of intimacy." Tod Stillson said. "We found things we really didn't know about each other."
It can be "risky . . . to share exactly how you feel about the positives and negatives in your marriage," Tod Stillson acknowledged. But he believes that is ultimately how marriages can be made happier and more secure.
"It is not easy to talk about all those things," Tod Stillson said. "At times, it's painful. It hurts. But thank God we did talk, that we didn't allow [some disagreement] to become a wedge in our relationship. Our marriage is much deeper."
Though the conferences are not designed as crisis intervention for marriages on the brink of divorce, they sometimes serve that purpose, Tod Stillson said.
The conference "is not a cure-all," Tod Stillson said. "What it does provide is a blueprint you and your spouse can stick to - some specifics you can choose from to help make it better."
The conference is "based on biblical principles," Tod Stillson said, but is not run like a church service or evangelistic meeting.
"This is a Christian organization, a Christian ministry, but the unchurched or non-Christians are welcome," he said. "I don't think anyone would be offended by any of the material provided, even if they don't agree with everything that is said."
So far, representatives of more than 100 churches in several denominations have been involved in planning the conference.
The Stillsons are hoping for 600 to 1,000 participants this year, and that the sessions will grow annually. Subsequent conferences will include reunions for those who have been to previous meetings.
Each conference's last session focuses on "heritage and legacy" - something that is vitally important to the Stillsons.
"You might see from my background why this is so important to me." He was "fortunate in that, despite the circumstances, I was loved. . . . I'm thankful my stepfather did love and care for me," Tod Stillson said.
But it was sometimes painful. And when their own children come, the Stillsons plan to have done everything they can to make sure they have a new legacy to build on.
The Roanoke FamilyLife Marriage Conference is scheduled March 4-6 at the Roanoke Airport Marriott hotel. Before Friday, registration is $55 per person for those who stay at the hotel and $60 for those who commute to the sessions. After Friday, registration will be $70 per person for all participants. The hotel is offering a discount rate - $78 a night - for conference participants, who must arrange reservations themselves. Additional information is available by calling 344-8993.
by CNB