Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, February 14, 1994 TAG: 9402150006
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: ALMENA HUGHES STAFF WRITER
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
According to the guidelines in a new book aimed at helping blacks find appropriate partners, Greg and Paula are a potential romantic tinderbox - if only they'd meet.
Dr. Larry E. Davis, author of "Black and Single," has a plan to increase the odds of that occurring.
Romance shouldn't just randomly happen, Davis said recently by phone from his home in St. Louis. For him, probability is an operative word.
Through understanding the dynamics particular to their dating, black singles can hopefully reduce their probabilities of repeatedly experiencing the same type of romantic difficulties and increase their probabilities of meeting and choosing appropriate partners and sustaining long-term relationships, he said.
Just as does a long-term relationship, making Davis' techniques succeed takes work. For starters, he suggests doing a written assessment of your own and your desired partners' Romantic Market Value.
RMV is based on rating one's physical attractiveness, education, income, professional and social status. Though seemingly superficial at first glance, Davis says that in reality these are the basic measures that determine at the initial stage whether a relationship will have a chance to progress.
In our local case, Greg is a 24-year old financial consultant, tall, good-looking, well-built. He's never been married, has no children and makes a decent salary at a good job with lots of advancement potential. He's not among the black elite, but he has some good social connections. His RMV on a scale of 1-10 would probably fall in the 8-10 range.
The RMV for Paula, a pretty, shapely 22-year-old media professional, also never wed and childless with a decent job, good advancement potential and good social connections, would be about on par.
"You've got to be realistic here," Davis warned. "It doesn't have to be exactly tit for tat. But people tend to want people who are like themselves on major dimensions. So if you're, say, a 5 in looks and you only want to go after 10s, you may be in for some disappointments unless you've got something else to trade, like wealth for beauty, for example."
Trade-offs, power and perceptions of fairness are important for growing and sustaining any and especially black relationships, Davis said. Among blacks, men - because they're in high demand - are usually at a power advantage at the relationship's start. But later, women, who are often the men's economic and educational equals and able to contribute equally to the relationship, tend to gain ground. Even when a couple is unevenly matched in some areas, if they perceive their relationship as fair and equitable, it stands a good chance of surviving, Davis said.
Beyond RMV compatibility, potential couples need to consider whether they share similar perceptions of the world, where they stand on social issues and commitment, their feelings about racial identity and any other areas that are important to them personally or in a partner. As the relationship grows, these will be among the less obvious but extremely important factors that come into play.
"I'm interested in somebody who keeps up with what's going on in the world," Paula says. "Somebody who likes to read and think...who's socially committed and has strong family ties."
Greg seeks the same qualities, plus, "someone who likes to travel, going to the movies and concerts or spending romantic evenings." Paula does.
They might disagree about sports.
Once you've a clear idea of what you have to offer and what you want in return, you can concentrate on placing yourself in locations where you're apt to find suitable eligibles, Davis said. He suggests church, introductions through friends, cultural or civic events, and the menswear department for women or the womenswear department for men as better locations than nightclubs for singles looking to meet potential partners.
"In those types of settings, you can always break the ice by asking someone for an opinion without commitment or threat," Davis said. He also points out that people often date within fairly narrow geographic radii and feel more at ease with someone they see often - like a neighbor - even if technically they don't know each other.
Davis, an associate professor of social work and psychology at Washington University in St. Louis with a Ph.D from the University of Michigan, for four years has conducted romance and relationships workshops as well as written books on race, gender and class issues. He said that many people at first question whether there is a need for a book specifically addressing romance among blacks. He thinks there is.
One reason is the sheer novelty of seeing a black couple portrayed on film or television in an intimate, loving, noncomedic romantic relationship. Then there is the fact that the majority of blacks are single, which is not the case for whites; that unlike whites, black men and women are roughly professional, educational and economic equals, which affects their balance of power; that two of every three black marriages ends in divorce, with comparatively low remarriage rates, as opposed to divorce terminating only one of every two white marriages; and that there are only about eight black men for every 10 black women.
"About 80 percent of what I say about romance can apply to anybody, any age, race, educational or economic level," Davis said. "But demographically, race affects the dynamics of a relationship and in that, there are some definite differences between blacks and whites."
Davis used the techniques in his book to meet and choose Shirley, his wife of one year. The same could happen for Greg and Paula - if only they'd meet.
by CNB