Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, February 15, 1994 TAG: 9402150273
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 3 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Neil Chethik
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
It's exactly what I'm encountering as I enter the female-dominated world of child-raising.
Even before my son was born three months ago, I started getting the message: Men and children don't mix.
Our obstetrician's office staff was all female, her waiting-room magazines all were for women, and the talk there - even in front of me - included a measure of male-bashing. Although I attended all of my wife's doctor appointments, it was not a male-friendly place.
The hospital maternity ward was no different. It too had an all-female staff. And even as my wife and I left there together with our newborn son, we were handed a leaflet with a list of what ``mothers'' would need in the coming days: diapers, a baby thermometer, tiny nail clippers and the like.
Fathers, the leaflet declared by omission, would of course have no use for such things.
Once we returned home, the baby-care books kept the no-father myth alive. Most of them focused on how a ``mother'' should raise ``her'' child. Even when a writer was conscious enough to notice that fathers were being ignored, he or she would say that the word mother was being used ``just for convenience.''
Of course, these are the same people who would surely object to using congressman, chairman and fireman as a convenient description for those jobs.
The designers and marketers of baby products seem no more aware of fathers. Almost all my son's toys and clothing showed up in packages with mothers and children on them. And, as a just-above-average-height male, I have to walk next to our stroller as I push it to avoid getting my feet caught in the wheels. It was clearly designed for the average-height woman.
Perhaps most annoying is the unsolicited advice I get from many women as I care for my child. I've been accused by total strangers of freezing my son, suffocating him, even holding him ``wrong.'' And that's only while walking through the grocery store.
My wife gets unsolicited advice too, but I've noticed a difference in the tone. It seems that if our son is crying in my wife's arms, people assume there's something wrong with him. If he cries in my arms, they assume that I'm doing something wrong.
As I said, this is a subtle thing. And just as women are accused of paranoia when they point out subtle discrimination in the workplace, I've also been told I'm being ``too sensitive'' when I point out my perceptions of bias against fathering men.
I doubt that this bias will stop me from sharing equally in raising my son. I enjoy the daily connection I have with him, and my child-care contribution is needed to keep our family financially solvent.
But many people don't like swimming against a social current. Thus, I've come to believe that if our society really expects fathers to get more involved in their children's lives, men aren't the only ones who are going to have to change.
Men-tion
Fathering magazines are hard to find. One of the best is Full-Time Dads, a journal of essays, ideas and interviews by fathers, for fathers. For a sample copy, send $5 to P.O. Box 577, Cumberland, Maine 04021.
Male call
Men: Have you ever felt marginalized as a father? Women: Do you think women sometimes put up barriers that discourage fathers from being involved with their kids? Send responses, comments and questions to the Men's Column, in care of the Features Department, Roanoke Times & World-News, P.O. Box 2491, Roanoke, Va. 24010-2491.
by CNB