Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, February 22, 1994 TAG: 9402220014
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: MARY SCHMICH CHICAGO TRIBUNE
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
Her horoscope.
Astrogirl, a Sagittarius, can't remember her horoscope 60 seconds after she reads it. A Big Grab bag of Ruffles is a more enduring thrill. This does not deter Astrogirl from her daily quest. She has lived through enough moons to know that brevity is the soul of pleasure, that the best of thrills seldom last longer than a bag of potato chips.
"You don't read that newspaper astrology trash?" Astrogirl's highbrow friends have been known to scoff.
This troubles Astrogirl. She would like the scoffers to share the pleasure of her daily search for meaning, to experience that little jolt of hope, as profound as caffeine, she feels each time she learns that wealth and passion lie ahead.
How can she persuade the scoffers that newspaper horoscopes are valuable water witches to the future?
Ah. She will publicly put her horoscope to the test.
The test Astrogirl devises will compare her life on Wednesday, Jan. 19, 1994, to four horoscopes from three newspapers for that day. To ensure scientific validity, the test is conducted on Thursday, Jan. 20, when all data for Astrogirl's life on Wednesday have been tallied.
Astrogirl starts with her horoscope from Joyce Jillson: "Do what you can to get letters answered."
Wow, thinks Astrogirl. Joyce has peered into the blackest depths of her soul. How else could she know about those unanswered letters, rising like mountains of guilt, on Astrogirl's cluttered desk?
Astrogirl proceeds to Sydney Omarr: "Moon leaves 5th House, but not before successful utilization of `creative forces.' Pisces, Virgo persons figure in scenario."
Dead on, Sydney. Astrogirl doesn't remember successfully utilizing her creative forces that Wednesday, but she was probably too busy utilizing them to notice. And she is willing to bet that a Pisces or Virgo figured somewhere in her scenario.
At this point in the test, Astrogirl's eyes stray over the horoscope page and she commits her daily sin. She peeps at other people's horoscopes. Worse, she covets them.
"You'll exude sensuality, sex appeal," Wednesday's Geminis were told.
"Libra could fall in love - with you," the Tauruses were promised.
Astrogirl sighs, stung by jealousy and feelings of inadequacy. Looks like every sign under the sun was destined for a more exciting day than hers. But so what? How much sensuality could those Geminis have been exuding in weather that froze their nose hairs? As for those Tauri with their lusting Libras, who needs it? A Libra fell in love with Astrogirl a few horoscopes ago, and they made each other crazy.
Astrogirl now reviews her horoscope from Bernice Bede Osol: "This could be one of these testy times again today."
Bernice baby, have you got Astrogirl's number. Getting in and out of five layers of clothes? Testy, testy, testy.
Last, Astrogirl checks out Wednesday's prediction by Linda Black: "An educational program can be your personal path out of the recession."
Oh, Astrogirl hates horoscopes like this. Astrogirl does not like horoscopes that mention the following words: educational, economy, insurance, taxes, organize.
Astrogirl wants only two words in her horoscope: wealth and passion.
This is why Astrogirl frequently reads more than one horoscope. If Linda Black doesn't tell her something she wants to hear, maybe Sydney will. Astrogirl believes in choice: Choose only the horoscope that pats you on the back.
A newspaper editor once confided to Astrogirl that for an entire week the newspaper had run the wrong horoscope and no one, apparently, had noticed. This might confirm the scoffers' suspicion that horoscopes are bunk.
Astrogirl replies: How can you doubt the worth of newspaper horoscopes, when they so often provide eerily accurate truths like "Today is a good day for making lists"?
Having reviewed her horoscopes for Wednesday, Astrogirl now reviews her life - i.e., her scenario - that day: Ate breakfast, went to work, did some work, gossiped, worked out, went to dinner, went home.
Isn't that what the horoscopes predicted? Isn't that uncanny?
by CNB