
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, April 6, 1994                   TAG: 9404050044
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

MAKING MULCH ADO ABOUT LANDSCAPING

I am now convinced that there will soon be enough mulch around the Roanoke Valley to cover a substantial portion of the continent of Asia. This miracle will be the result of the chewing up of all those tree limbs and branches left over from the famous ice storms of 1994.

I believe there is some benefit in all disasters and misfortunes, and I have come up with a new and daring approach to landscaping the average American home.

I warn you now that my proposal is not for the faint of heart or for those who like to use their lawns for croquet or ice cream socials.

My plan will seem severe to many - including my own helpmate - but progress has never been made without sacrifice and a willingness to innovate and forge ahead.

It is my plan to amass huge quantities of this mulch and to spread it over every square inch of your yard.

I'm not going to spread it personally, you understand, because I would soon be too near death from allergies to continue to develop your new landscape - or is that mulchscape? Ha. Ha. A little play on words there.

After we have covered every living thing with mulch, I will make available, at modest cost, a certain number of amenities for your new lawn.

These will include carefully duplicated replicas of the world's great sculptures and clever little concrete animals.

In addition, I will supply some magnificently twisted and gnarled driftwood.

These will be placed around the grounds in such a way as to suggest a new way of life and the beginning of something really good.

Hey, so it's going to cost you a couple of grand and you'll have to spread the mulch yourself. Listen, pal, people will make pilgrimages to your place, and you can charge them to look.

In addition, those lawn people will see what you've done, and they'll never offer you a free grass and soil analysis again.

And you know it's worth a couple of thou not to have to mow the lawn again - the joy and culture you're going to bring to the neighborhood aside.

One thing about mulch, buddy, you don't have to fertilize it, and it don't grow.

All it does is lay there, and weeds and crabgrass don't stand a chance.

Call me if you're interested. I'll probably be out mowing the grass because I don't think the greatest station driver of them all is ready for this major landscaping breakthrough.

by CNB