Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: WEDNESDAY, April 20, 1994 TAG: 9404200110
SECTION: VIRGINIA PAGE: C-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: By LESLIE TAYLOR STAFF WRITER
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
Incest, the former Miss America says, "is the ugliest six-letter-word in the English language."
Van Derbur spoke Tuesday to a group of mental health professionals at Lewis-Gale Psychiatric Center of being molested by her millionaire father for 13 years: from ages 5 to 18. Occasionally, she would pause, lower her head and speak barely above a whisper, though with no less impact.
"Like red dye poured into a can of white paint, incest has colored every aspect of my life," said Van Derbur, now 56. "Every day and every night of my life have been dramatically impacted by incest."
Van Derbur's story unwittingly was made public in 1991, when, unknown to her, a reporter covered a speech she gave to a small group of incest survivors and therapists in her hometown of Denver. She'd told of a tortuous unlocking of repressed memories of sexual violation by her father.
At first, she felt violated again. But in the weeks that followed, 900 men and women came forward with help and support. Though Van Derbur had been besieged with offers from movie producers and book publishers, she turned them down. She instead turned from incest victim into victim advocate.
Van Derbur, who still lives in Colorado, founded the Survivors United Network, which provides free weekly support groups for sex abuse victims. She co-founded the American Coalition for Abuse Awareness, a grass-roots organization that is dedicated to strengthening laws protecting adult survivors and child victims of sexual abuse.
Van Derbur also founded "One Voice," a Washington-based organization of survivors, advocates and local and state leaders who speak nationally to end the sexual violations of children through public education and awareness.
Rarely has Van Derbur taken her story to the medical community. She had done so only four other times before Tuesday's talk to a crowd of more than 200 at the Lewis-Gale center.
But Van Derbur said she accepted Lewis-Gale's invitation because "the medical community needs to understand more about incest survivors."
She advised professionals to toss out the old ideal that they must withhold displays of emotion.
"If you were taught in Psychology 404 that it is unprofessional to show any emotion, I tell you that as a survivor, showing compassion, feeling deeply, is so very nurturing and validating," she said.
She encouraged professionals to use survivors like herself as role models. Survivors "are a powerful resource," she said.
She supported the use of body work, "working therapeutically through physical activity."
"I needed to reach out to other therapies to try to erase the overwhelming body pain that tormented me for over seven long agonizing years," Van Derbur said.
Van Derbur coped with abuse by dissociating, splitting into what she called the "night child" and the "day child." It is what many abused children do to survive, she said.
"Until 24, I had no conscious knowledge of the night child," Van Derbur said. "During the days, no embarrassing or anxious glances ever passed between me and my father because I had no conscious knowledge of the terrors of the night child. The more degraded the night child became, the more the day child needed to excel."
She was an excellent skier and golfer and a competitive swimmer. She broke and trained her own horses. She graduated Phi Beta Kappa from the University of Colorado.
She was Miss America 1958.
"I believed I was the happiest child who ever lived," Van Derbur said. "I truly believed that."
At the end of her talk, Van Derbur asked anyone in the audience to stand who at age 21 or younger was abused by a stranger or relative.
"I do that for a number of reasons," she said. "Most importantly, it's to let other professionals in this room know that we're not talking about 'those people.' We're talking about us."
About 30 people rose to their feet.
"Thank you for standing," Van Derbur said. "For those of you who may not know what to say to them as you leave, say, 'I am so very very sorry you had to endure this as a child.'"
by CNB