Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, April 25, 1994                   TAG: 9404260026
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

POOR BENNIE'S BOTHERED BY OTHERS' BREAKUPS

I spent a lot of time last week worrying about whether Tom and Roseanne Arnold were going to get back together again.

You know old Tom and old Roseanne. They are two very large people who appear to have been reared during a street fight and taught manners and bearing by King Kong.

To be fair here, I have to say that King Kong has never made certain gestures that Roseanne has used in public.

I wanted a stress-free semi-retirement. And then all of this happens. It just brought back Burt and Loni all over again.

In the middle of all this, I got the bill for the personal property tax and the car decals. This was enough for me to forget about the state inspection sticker that is peeling off the Cherokee's windshield.

This latter worry has been a major one with me. You have to worry about why a state that has mothered so many presidents doesn't have enough sense to get an inspection sticker that actually sticks.

That's the way it goes. The state sticker falls off, and you have sandblast the old county decal off the windshield.

I worried about the sticker and other things while I was going through a sinus infection that gave me the impression that four of my upper teeth on the left side were going to fall out.

And everybody knows that the Tooth Fairy doesn't recognize elderly persons, no matter how many teeth they leave under their pillows.

The teeth are still where they ought to be, but the incident reminded me that I may yet be one of those attractive older persons who get seeds and stuff like that caught under their dental plates. When I was a boy these dentures were called false teeth.

Incidentally, I try not too worry too much how long it has been since I was a boy. I find this not only counterproductive but very scary as well.

But there are things to be glad about. For example, I know you applauded wildly when you heard that Robert Redford's restaurant got such a good review. Tom and Roseanne's restaurant was panned.

You always feel better after a little positive thinking, and I'm going to take a breath of fresh air no matter how much pollen is in it.

Then, I probably will start worrying about those 50 pounds of grass seed that are out there on the yard, not doing what 50 pounds of grass seed are supposed to do.