Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, April 28, 1994 TAG: 9406280044
SECTION: PARENT'S GUIDE PAGE: WPG2-2 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: DONNA MUSSLEWHITE
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
Whether due to divorce, death of a spouse, or because of a conscious choice to have and raise a child alone, single-parent households are becoming more and more the norm.
Single parenting brings all the usual stresses of parenthood and then some. Chief among them, particularly with women, is the family's economic situation, said Mark Derbyshire, a licensed clinical social worker and director of the Carilion Employee Assistance Program.
"Historically, women just haven't had the same earning power as men, and many times after divorce they find themselves in poverty. Obviously that's a huge stress," he said.
Barbara Rapier, who has been the single parent of three daughters for seven years, says the financial insecurity she faced after her separation and divorce was "just overwhelming. But I was determined not to ask for a handout and not to go home to my parents with my three kids. I was determined to make it."
Today, Rapier says she believes she has made it. She's worked two jobs over the past seven years, went back to school and attained her bachelor's degree from Averett College, and says she is successfully raising her now 19-, 16- and 10-year-old daughters.
"Sometimes I wonder how we got through it. The girls had been really involved in school activities and after-school things like piano and sports, and for them, all that stopped after the separation. Working two jobs, I couldn't get them places, and I didn't have the money. I had to count on the two oldest to look after the youngest one. It was hard on all of us. And there were plenty of times when we lived off pinto beans, corn bread and peanut butter," she said.
Now, Rapier says, she can look back and see that she set personal goals for herself and that gave her the strength to keep going.
"Plus, I had no time to think too much about what we were going through. And the girls were just as busy - the two oldest ones baby-sat and got jobs as soon as they were old enough. It became incredibly important for our life to be very structured and organized.'
"I would suggest that people going through this just try as much as possible to keep a positive attitude, to just keep knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel," Rapier said.
Surrounding yourself with support systems is critical to handling the stress of single parenting, Derbyshire said.
"Even in a bad marriage, not an abusive situation, but a marriage where things are difficult, you at least have the trade-off of responsibility for the children. When you're on your own, you can be overwhelmed by the sense of there just being you," Derbyshire said.
Rapier says she can identify with that feeling.
"I'm the mom and I'm all there is. Sometimes I wonder if I'm teaching them the right way. Are my thoughts on things the right thoughts to give my girls? When you're doing this on your own, there's no one to bounce ideas off of."
Derbyshire stresses that single parents "shouldn't put all their eggs in one basket. If all your eggs are in the "good mommy or good daddy" basket, and one day you yell at your kids, which all parents are going to do, then all of a sudden you feel like you're a lousy, worthless person.
"You're not just a parent. You're also someone who has a career, who has personal relationships, who perhaps has church relationships or maybe involvement in support groups. Those are all important, valid "eggs" and will help you through a stressful life, Derbyshire said.
For John Magruther, the stress of single parenting comes from not having his son with him. Magruther's 7-year-old son lives in New Jersey with Magruther's ex-wife.
"I want very badly to have custody of my son so that he can be here with me, but New Jersey law almost automatically gives custody to a child's mother. I see my son about every three months. He was here with me for Christmas and at Easter. And I plan business trips so that I can go through and see him too. And I talk to him on the phone four and five times a week."
Magruther had been out of work for two years when his marriage broke up. When he moved to Virginia because of a job, he rented a three-bedroom apartment so his son would have a room of his own set up all the time with his own furniture and toys. "I want him to have his own space here. I want this to be his home," he said. Magruther said he hopes that recent research on the benefits of same-sex children living with that parent will help his case, but he knows he is fighting an uphill battle with the courts.
"I try to be involved with other people's children in Parents Without Partners activities, and that helps. I can be a male role model to kids who might not have that. It makes you feel like you're contributing to somebody else's life, and helps you feel a little better. But still my need to be with my son and to take care of him never goes away."
Both Magruther and Rapier worry about the long-term effects of their situations on their children.
"Even when things were at their worst, my ex-husband and I never shared our disagreements in front of the girls. I always wanted to protect them from that. Since the divorce, I've had to be honest with them about our financial situation, and I've taught them to be independent and self-sufficient. I know that that's good for them, but I also worry about how it will affect them later on," Rapier said.
If his son comes to live with him, Magruther wants the two of them to go into counseling.
"I would want to help him deal with the separation from his mother, and with all those different feelings he might have about his two parents."
Derbyshire says it's important for parents not to depend on their children as their sole support.
"Parents, single or otherwise, shouldn't burden their children that way. Don't make your child be your parent. Get your needs met other places, through other support systems; then you'll do a better job of taking care of your children." he said.
by CNB