
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, May 4, 1994                   TAG: 9405050010
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

WHAT'S THE FUSS OVER PRONOUNS?

I come from a long line of arguers, but I don't recall ever having had one about the use of pronouns.

Some Roanoke County supervisors recently did that, however. This occurred at a time when I wish the supervisors would argue about cutting water bills.

I checked with the greatest station wagon driver of them all just to be sure.

"Ah, my little azalea bloom," I said. "I am reluctant to bother you now that you are deep into whatever it is you are doing with whatever those things are, but do you recall ever having an argument about pronouns?"

"You know perfectly well what these things are," the driver said. "They are peat pellets. You will recall that you thought they were some kind of chocolate candy and took a bite of one."

"Yes, ha ha." I said. "Foul-tasting little devils, those. I know that people must ask you on the street how it is to live with such a clever person who will do anything for a laugh. Peat pellets, indeed. How very droll.

"But my charm and wit are not relevant to the question at hand, my little lilac blossom."

"I don't remember getting into arguments over pronouns," she said. "We've argued about everything else. We may be the only couple in history to have argued about Tom Brokaw's tie."

"Yes,'' I said. "Then it is just as I thought. Normal people don't argue about pronouns."

"Normal people don't argue about Tom Brokaw's tie," the driver said. "And they certainly don't go around scarfing up peat pellets."

"Madam," I said heatedly. "I have heard all I care to hear about those accursed peat pellets, and since we obviously are going to get into an argument here I will just mention the somewhat macabre fact that you laughed yesterday when I hurt myself with my own string trimmer."

"I thought that was just another example of your smashing wit," the driver said. "There are a lot of ways to hurt yourself with a string trimmer, but your string trimmer stabbed you when it wasn't stringing or trimming, or whatever."

"That's right," I said. "Make fun of me now that the years have taken their toll and my spirit has been broken on the rack of life."

"Oh, go eat a peat pellet," the driver said.

That's not bad advice for the supervisors. The taste will take their minds off pronouns.

by CNB