Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, June 1, 1994                   TAG: 9406010054
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

A NEW WRINKLE: DRYER-WATCHING

And I am here to say that there is no such thing as wrinkle-free shirts and that I have been unhappy ever since they were invented.

I don't suppose it would surprise you to know that I would like to return to the old days when your mama put enough starch in your shirt to stop artillery shells and then ironed that sucker until it gleamed like a suit of armor.

Not only did these shirts keep you fresh-looking all day, they also were good for your posture. It was impossible to slump in them.

Sure, there was always a red ring around your neck, and it hurt sometimes, but you looked neat and clean.

I liked the way GI laundries did shirts. You had to poke your way into the starched sleeves.

But all of these treasures are gone now, along with marbles, the town steamroller, ice wagons, Arlene Dahl and Rhonda Fleming.

Sure, these shirt people told The Wall Street Journal the secret to getting a wrinkle-free shirt is snatching it hot the moment the dryer stops and hanging it up.

Yeah. I can see some poor houseperson out there now wasting her life watching the dryer and snatching out the two-button job her husband will wear to this big meeting.

And he comes home, has a triple bourbon and says:

"Well, Martha, I didn't get the new assignment, which means there won't be any extra money for the children's education. I'm sure it was the sloppy shirt. I do wish you'd pay more attention to your dryer."

"I watch that dryer as well as any woman who ever lived," Martha says. "There's no such thing as a wrinkle-free shirt, Batholemew."

"Tanya next door is great with shirts, in addition to being a ravishing redhead," he says. "That's why her husband got the job. You can bet she's ahead of her dryer."

"She sends his shirts out and then flirts with the delivery man," Martha says. "She never watched a dryer in her life."

There wouldn't have been this kind of domestic tension years ago when housepersons weren't afraid of a little starch and simple ironing.

Now, old Bart is going to the put the blast on old Tanya - not for the reason you filthy-minded people think - but just for a nice shirt.

But old Bart is on his own. I have to go now. It's my turn to watch the dryer.