Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: SUNDAY, June 19, 1994 TAG: 9407070069
SECTION: EDITORIAL PAGE: F3 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: By JOSHUA RUBONGOYA
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
Lately, however, we have been wondering why raising children is so burdensome in America and not so much so in Africa. Here are a few observations.
First, raising children in America can be a lonesome enterprise. It is often just mom and dad or just mom alone - very rarely dad alone.
After the baby shower, all our friends seemed to disappear despite their expressions of joy upon learning that we were expecting - yes, men "expect,'' too. After leaving the hospital, it is even lonelier. You leave the companionship of the medical doctors and nurses for the fraternity of the TV set at home.
A friend at work thinks I am whining. I chose to have children, he argues. Now it's my responsibility and no one else's. This argument is logically sound and reasonable within Western cultures of today - albeit some Western communities are beginning to question it.
And rightfully so. Where I come from, children were brought up by the community, the neighborhood, the extended family, the school and the church.
If my children had been born in Africa, nephews, cousins and in-laws would have been at home to welcome us from the hospital. A hot meal would have been ready for the new mom. As for me, a new dad, a keg of beer would have been apropos.
Family members and the neighborhood community stay on to help raise the new member. In fact, anyone old enough to be your parents' age is generally referred to in parental terms. A number of African societies do not have the word "uncle" in their vocabularies because ``dad'' is an all-encompassing word.
As school holidays approach, letters begin streaming in from relatives inviting their nieces and nephews to visit and get to know their counterparts. Indeed, the burden of raising children is distributed so well that it is a delight to be a parent.
These responsibilities include both rewards and punishments. I vividly remember my dad spanking a kid who had the habit of crossing the street just about the time we drove by his house. After the spanking was over, the parent arrived at the scene and profusely thanked my dad for ``this wonderful public service.''
Try that in the United States, I recently told Rubongoya Sr., and both the parents and the distinguished gentlemen of the legal profession will make sure the next person you spank will be an inmate.
As a father raising children in America, however, I have found it a chore, a financial liability, a sacrifice, and if news reports are to be believed, it has in some instances become suicidal to be a parent. If a dad frequently changes diapers and gives evening baths to the kids, this could become grounds for child molestation charges if the marriage approaches an unfortunate end. Shunning these chores, on the other hand, earns the father the label of chauvinist good-for-nothing. Or, as another friend of mine recently said upon learning that I gave my kids evening baths: ``She has properly trained you.''
Two weeks ago, I got a reply to a letter I wrote to the company that refunds our day-care tuition but it was addressed to Ms. Rubongoya! Have we as fathers so abdicated our responsibilities so as to be stripped of the joys of parenting, or can fatherhood be retrieved from the heap of social history?
We need to reclaim our community values and breathe air into those values that strengthen the family. Why, for instance, should the national family-leave proposition be open to debate? Should we still be debating the merits of having day-care centers at our places of employment? Why can't parents with children at the same day-care centers network with each other to help out with weekend baby sitting while others go out to movies and dinners? Have you ever thought of forming a parents' interest or pressure group - something like Dads Against Deadbeats (DADs)?
For those hanging onto the idea that having children is a personal choice and responsibility, I have one message: Personal choices do have community implications!
If this story is about to change your mind about having children, think again. There is one intangible reward. That is the unfailing love that children give that cannot be found in any other relationship. It is this that makes it all worthwhile.
\ Joshua Rubongoya, a native of Uganda, is an assistant professor of political science at Roanoke College.
by CNB