Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, June 27, 1994                   TAG: 9407140046
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

I'LL NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THEM BIDDING ON MY CLOTHES

All of us who keep an eye on the condition of culture and grace in this country know about the auction of Oprah's used clothes - the sizes of which have a way of going up and down dramatically.

Believe me, we're not talking about that weight you gain back unless you use your NordicTrack. This is weight loss and gain on an epic scale. You have to wonder what this does to your skin, which is forced to deal with a size 8 one month and size 22 the next.

I don't know much about dermatology, but I would have to guess that one day the skin says to hell with it and hangs down in folds when you're size 8 and develops large horizontal tears at size 22.

Phil Donahue stays relatively the same size - not counting his mouth - and I don't think he has ever sold his clothes. And that's the first and last nice thing you'll ever hear me say about Phil Donahue.

Aged, semi-hysterical, semi-retired reporters can't afford to sell their old clothes. They just have to squeeze into them and try not to wince too much in public.

Nobody would pay for my used clothes, for Pete's sake. That's why I gave the blazer I was wearing the night I interviewed Barbi Benton to Goodwill after I couldn't squeeze into it anymore.

But Oprah's clothes have great historic significance. As in the suit she was wearing the time she interviewed Michael Jackson. I'm sure the Earth moved on this occasion, but I didn't know about it until now. Hey, come on. Everybody needs a suit like that.

(I was wearing a madras coat the night the old Natural Bridge Hotel burned. I had to throw it away because of char holes.

(I don't know what I was wearing the time I interviewed the founder of the World Parliament of Religions in 1953, when I was a rather dashing 42-long,

(I would like to say that a kind providence has allowed me escape interviewing Michael Jackson. The Liberace interview was enough of that kind of journalism.)

What would you have bid on the gown - I have no idea of the size, except that she was in a pudgy mode at the time of the movie - that Oprah wore to the premiere of "The Color Purple"?

I certainly don't mean for any of this to be criticism of Oprah. Long may her dress sizes change.

It's just that I prefer Lena Horne, who has been the same size for 50 years.