Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: WEDNESDAY, June 29, 1994 TAG: 9406300002
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 3 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE:
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
In order to do the job right, you will need several items, including a large fork, a pair of tongs, a plate, an apron, a roll of paper towels, goggles, a can of bug spray, a gas mask, a first-aid kit and - this is extremely important - plenty of beer.
Also, make sure you have something to cook. Otherwise, why bother?
If you happen to own a gas grill, the first thing you should do is ask someone else to start it. That's because you are dealing with a contraption that is capable of blowing you to smithereens. Also, it is likely that you assembled the grill yourself, which probably means you shouldn't use it at all.
I refuse to start our grill. That's because I have a deathly fear of gas. Even baked beans make me nervous. So I make my wife start the grill.
I realize I sound like a heartless mob boss who makes his wife start his car every morning, but I look at it this way: If my wife wants me to cook steak or hamburgers on the grill, she can start it.
Even if you have to do it yourself and are miraculously not killed, something invariably goes wrong. For example, more often than not, after you have turned on the gas valve and pushed the igniter button, the grill won't start. So you have to stand about 10 feet away, strike a match and throw it directly onto the grill, in which case one of two things will happen:
1. The match goes out.
2. The match doesn't go out and ignites the grill with such fury that even from a distance of 10 feet your eyebrows and nasal hairs are singed.
Once the grill is lighted, you will no doubt see that the flame is not burning uniformly. This means the food you put on the grill will not cook properly. Pretend you don't notice. Then put on your steak or hamburgers or hot dogs or chicken or whatever you will end up (through no fault of your own) burning to a crisp.
To avoid this, I suggest you set the flame on "low." This not only prevents you from ending up with a steak that is charred on the outside and still breathing on the inside, but will give you plenty of time to drink beer.
Needless to say, beer is often the only thing that can make a person want to cook on the grill. One reason is that whenever you go outside to barbecue, the weather is either (a) cold and drizzly, in which case you have a good excuse to go back inside and order pizza, or (b) hotter than the grill itself.
On those really hot days, a cold beer or two will help you deal with other inconveniences, such as the fact that no matter where you stand, smoke will always blow in your face. You can move to the other side of the grill, but the smoke will follow you. If you move back to your original spot, the wind will shift and you will end up choking, gagging, rubbing your eyes and otherwise acting like you have just seen Roseanne and Tom Arnold naked.
Here is where the gas mask comes in handy. If you don't have one, put a towel over your face. Or, if the smoke becomes unbearable, just crack open another beer.
At this point you are probably wondering about some of those other items I mentioned earlier. The fork and tongs are, of course, what you should use to hold or turn the meat. They should NOT be used to scare off people who keep asking: "Is the steak done yet?" Although this happens to be very effective.
The apron is to prevent you slobs out there (and you know who you are) from getting grease, barbecue sauce or, heaven forbid, beer all over yourselves.
The paper towels come in handy for wiping off hot dogs or hamburgers that invariably are dropped on the ground or slip through the grill and into the charcoal.
The goggles will prevent you from being permanently blinded by flying grease or shooting flames, while the bug spray may help you finish barbecuing before getting bitten or stung to death by the swarms of mosquitoes, gnats, bees or other annoying pests that always show up for a meal (you, silly) of their own.
If you need the first-aid kit, you should consider starting the grill next time and making your spouse do the cooking.
Still, barbecuing is one of the great joys of summer, an opportunity to get outside in the fresh air and sunshine to cook a meal your family will never forget. Or digest.
Then again, you can always go to McDonald's.
- JERRY ZEZIMA, THE STAMFORD ADVOCATE
Summer & Smoke will run weekly in the Extra section throughout the cookout season. If you have a great grilling recipe, tell us about it. Write to Summer & Smoke, c/o the Features Department, RT&W-N, P.O. Box 2491, Roanoke, Va. 24010.|
by CNB