Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, July 18, 1994 TAG: 9407260034
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Joe Kennedy
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
Something like that happened in Georgia a few weeks ago. A store employee saw a mother slap her 9-year-old son and called the police. They arrested the mother on a charge of cruelty to children.
Since then we've heard a debate: Did the mother go too far? Did the police officers go too far? Don't parents have the right to discipline their kids as they see fit?
The incident never would have made the news if the cops hadn't come, but that's not the only unusual part of it, says Shannon Brabham, executive director of the Child Abuse Prevention Council of Roanoke Valley.
For someone to intervene is unusual, too.
We've all seen parents lose control in public, and we've all thought about doing something. But what can we do? And how?
``I've always wanted to go to the parent and say, `Back off a little bit,''' a friend of mine says. ``It turns your stomach when you see somebody doing that. You feel so sorry for the kid.''
Another woman I know has gone over and offered to help struggling parents now and then. None has accepted her help, but most have calmed down. That's just as good.
Still, stepping in can be risky. The parent might tell us to butt out. He or she might take our involvement out on the child.
Many people believe hitting their kids is OK. In a survey conducted this year for the abuse prevention council, 82 percent of the 400 people interviewed said spanking is appropriate at times. Only 12 percent said physical discipline is never acceptable.
Thayer Walker, director of the Parents' Place at Roanoke's Central YMCA, agrees with the 12 percent.
``I don't think bodies are for hitting,'' she says. ``I think everything can be taught without hitting, and that's what parents are supposed to be doing - teaching.''
Discipline is the one topic that always comes up when she speaks to parents' groups or parenting classes. Parents want to know how to handle their kids. They especially want to know if it's OK to hit.
Several years ago, the Child Abuse Prevention Council adopted a policy statement against corporal punishment. But, given the climate of the area, Brabham doesn't argue the issue. She just provides information about alternative methods of discipline, and tells parents that spanking - quick, controlled and never administered with anger - should be employed only as a last resort.
``Spare the rod and spoil the child'' is a familiar saying used by those who disagree. Brabham and Walker say the adage, attributed to the Bible, is taken out of context. It appeared originally in Samuel Butler's ``Hudibras,'' written in 1663. Walker gives out material that calls it ``the single most misquoted and misunderstood phrase in religious literature.''
Proverbs 13:24 says, ``He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves his son is diligent to discipline him.'' Walker says Hebrew interpretations of Proverbs define rod in several ways, notably as a scepter or shepherd's staff, suitable for guiding, not striking.
``We do believe that not guiding your children is wrong,'' Brabham says. Pounding them is another matter.
Both she and Walker have had people tell them, ``I was spanked when I was a kid and I turned out fine.''
``I can't disagree with that,'' Walker says, ``but I wasn't spanked as a child, and I turned out fine, too.''
How can we tell our kids not to hit other people, Brabham asks, and then turn around and hit them? What message are we giving them? That violence is an acceptable way to handle a problem - as if the world isn't already violent enough.
``Children need limits. They need rules,'' Walker says. ``It's perfectly wonderful for parents to have expectations for their children's behavior. But you teach that and you reward it when it's done right. And when you have to punish, you do it by withholding rewards.''
You may ardently disagree with this. Feel free. No one is about to haul you off to jail, and as far as I know, the legislature hasn't passed any parental anti-spanking laws - though, if you cause physical injury to your child, you can be charged with child abuse.
If, in Charles Dickens' immortal words, your kids are being ``brought up by hand,'' and you don't feel good about it, you might want to call Walker at the Parents' Place (342-9622) or Brabham at the child abuse council (344-3579). They'll be happy to fill you in on alternative discipline techniques.
Now, suppose you're in the supermarket's frozen-food aisle and you see a grownup whacking, or getting ready to whack, an unruly child. What should you do?
Brabham says you can intervene by doing what my friend has done - offering sympathy to the parent or volunteering to entertain the child for a moment while the parent collects his or her wits.
Walker says she has stepped into several potentially explosive cases. Only once was she told to mind her own business.
``The mother hit the child and I was nearby,'' she says, ``and I just looked. Before I could say anything - and I was ready to - she just screamed at me.''
Then she stomped off.
Is that any way to have a nice day?
by CNB