Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, July 25, 1994 TAG: 9407280041
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: By MARY JO KOCHAKIAN THE HARTFORD COURANT
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
What's important is how that anger is handled.
``For a long time, it's been known that marital conflict is associated with a higher likelihood of problems in children,'' says E. Mark Cummings, professor of psychology at the University of West Virginia. ``As we've learned more, we've found that's a little misleading. It matters a lot the way parents fight.''
When parents fight destructively, there can indeed be serious consequences for children. ``If they fight constructively, the kids might be fine,'' says Cummings, whose research studies the effects of marital conflict on children. Cummings is also author, with Patrick Davies, of ``Children and Marital Conflict'' (Guilford).
Making trouble in families everywhere is the idea that conflict is bad.
``Conflict is inevitable in relationships. I think parents need to accept that. One reason it's important is, if you don't accept that, you won't discuss your difficulties, but you will express your anger. And children will pick up on nonverbal, silent treatment kind of stuff, and it's just as disturbing to them as verbal expressions of anger,'' Cummings says. The nonverbal style of expressing anger can be more damaging to kids if it's chronic, leading to anxiety and depression.
Research documents that children are extremely sensitive to ``background anger'' - angry interactions between adults that children observe as bystanders.
Seeing angry interchanges between adults, especially parents, ``is stressful and emotionally arousing for children of all ages,'' Cummings and Davies write. It also makes children more aggressive. They note that children ``seem almost like emotional Geiger counters.''
Constructive conflict is restrained and isn't concerned with winning but solving the problem.
``An important thing to keep in mind is to work toward working out your differences,'' Cummings says. ``This isn't something you have to do on the spot. But try to have a constructive goal in mind.''
Destructive conflict is fighting that goes nowhere, is intense and, at worst, violent. Children are most damaged by violent fights and frightened by intense anger.
It's important that parents keep kids out of their fights, as children are likely to blame themselves for the problem even if they are in no way involved. ``It's important not to blame children,'' Cummings says, although it can be easy to do. ``They're very sensitive to any implications that they might be at fault.'' Ideally, children are reassured by parents that the argument has nothing to do with them.
It's important to keep the argument focused on the issue at hand, not bring up unrelated or old grievances.
``Try to do your best to keep going in a positive direction not just wallowing in conflict,'' Cummings says. ``It's very easy to get caught up in a cycle of conflict and anger, and the deeper you get into a conflict spiral, the more negative your perception of the other person becomes. Then it's even harder to work things out.''
Children get a lot out of seeing that a dispute has been solved. ``It doesn't appear to be necessary to children that you resolve it in front of them. You can go someplace else, or wait until the next day,'' Cummings says. ``Children are really quite understanding of family situations. ... Children can benefit if parents go behind closed doors and come out in an obviously better mood. Kids pick up on it.''
Research by Cummings and colleagues suggests that explaining to kids how a fight was resolved goes a long way in helping them feel better about it. Children as young as 5 who received a brief explanation of how a conflict was resolved reacted to the situation as if it were an entirely friendly conversation.
``Resolution appears to act as a `wonder drug' on the children's perceptions of adults' fights,'' making it seem relatively positive rather than highly negative, Cummings and Davies write.
by CNB