Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, August 3, 1994                   TAG: 9408030040
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

HAVE SOME FREE ADVICE FROM A BABBLING BOBCAT

I know the territory, pal. I've just been there.

It was a lot of fun, but you kind of wanted to cry for lost years and about how some of the people looked largely the same way they did in May of 1944, when we Radford Bobcats were last together.

I advise you not brood merely because you look like a geriatric, overweight, apprehensive warthog wearing a name tag that has your yearbook picture on it - which shows a young moron wearing a funny hairdo.

If the center on the football team still resembles Tyrone Power 50 years later, just go to the mirror the next morning and look at all your character lines. Did Tyrone Power have lines like that? You bet he didn't. That many chins would've ruined his career.

If you are a female person, you are certain to meet this cheerleader who still looks like Linda Darnell. Unless you still resemble Arlene Dahl, this can cause a problem.

Don't let it bother you, sweetheart. People who look like Aunt Bea are true-blue and loving. I know you would rather look like Arlene Dahl, but if it ain't in in the cards, forget it. No kidding. You look great, kid.

I advise you not to get into a bad mood because you are too dumb to remember the names of certain persons you encounter:

"Hello, Bart. Remember me?"

"Of course. Good old Lucasta Barbizon, who sat next to me in geometry."

"No, you cretin. I'm Lucretia Overholt, who was in chem lab with you."

Later, at the cocktail party, ideally, apologize to Lucretia. This will make you feel better despite the fact that she tells you to get lost, that you were a loser in high school and that you always be a loser.

I know all you old male people are dying to know what to do when the girl you took the senior prom comes up and you recognize her because she still looks like June Allyson.

Nostalgia will overwhelm you, of course, but you must remain as suave as possible. No crying or stuff like that.

Your behavior here is simple. You merely babble. Which is what I did. Babbling never gets you into trouble.

I wish you all the best and leave you with one final word of advice:

With your knees the way they are, don't volunteer to stand on any chairs when they make the class picture.