
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, August 17, 1994                   TAG: 9408170050
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

BENNIE'S BONE OF CONTENTION

This has been the kind of summer in which I turn into Big Bennie early. I was able to put it off until this month.

"Wooman," I suddenly said at suppertime. "Ah'm gittin' pow'ful tard uv these heah poke chops thet doan hev no bones in 'em. Evahbodduh who evah lived down South knows thet poke chops ain't poke chops lessen yew leave th' bones in 'em."

"Oh, drat," the greatest station wagon driver of them all said. "It's Big Bennie again. Right?"

"Yew bet yoah bonnet it is, Missie," I said. "Th' whole hist'ry uv th' Suthren peeple is based on th' bee-leaf thet th' bone in a poke chop impahts uh nice flavuh tuh th' thang. Ah mean, wooman, yew din't murry no Yankee so minnah years ago."

"Call me Missie again," the driver said, "and I'll show you how to break a grown man's fingers."

"Ah doan nevah have collahd greens with bacon grease," I said. "It's lak bein' murried tuh wun of them fancy dyuh-ticians thet went tuh wun of them fancy schools up Nawth. Ah jist hev tuh agree with th' Book uv Job which says thet man is bawn intuh trouble an' continueth not.

"Uh man wucks all his life, and when he's neah tuh bein' called tuh th' Bosom of Abraham, he cain't hev no bone in his poke chop. An' he has to fry his bacon in one them microwave things, and he doan evah git enny grits or such thet makes him thank he is sumbodduh."

"Now comes the horse whip part," the driver said.

"Ah'd like to hev th' oppo-tunitah tuh hawse whip th' pusson thet thought up poke chops without no bones," I said. "Thet stoopid dawg theah oughter be hawse whipped for all thim allergies she has. Thet dawg's drug bill will drive us tuh th' wall well befoah this heah summer is out. Whin Ah wuz uh boah, dawgs din't hev no allergies, and if they wuzn't no use around th' place, sumboddah shot 'em."

"Don't scare the dog," the driver said. "She's lost most of huh, that is her, hair as it is."

"Dawgs n' peeple ain't no good no moah," I said. "It's like sumbodduh ain't buildin' 'em lak they used to.

"Now yew jist mak uh note, Missie, tuh buy poke chops with bones in 'em."

"Ah reckon th' next thang yew know, Ah'll be tekkin' uh old-fashioned skillet tuh th's side of yoah haid," the driver said.

Old Bennie left me. I said: "Oh, yes, quite, my dear. You know, these pieces of pork are quite good. Bones are rather barbaric, don't you think?"

by CNB