Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, August 23, 1994 TAG: 9408240026
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: From wire reports
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
When Letterman joined the CBS Television Network on August 30, 1993, he presented the very first Late Show Top 10: ``Ways The New Show Will Be Better'' (No. 8: My new ``Rappin' Dave'' character). By August 30, 1994, Letterman will have presented 221 such lists on subjects that are virtually unlimited.
Looking back over the year, the writers of Late Show with David Letterman have compiled their favorite top ten Top Ten Lists. In no particular order, those lists
"Top 10 Bad Things About Living Longer"
(Tuesday, Sept. 7, 1993) .
10. Seems like every time you turn around that damn Halley's Comet is back.
9. Would see great, great, great grandchildren marry moon men
8. (See Richards, Keith)
7. Shoulder-length ear hair
6. If you're a Mets fan, you'd rather go early
5. More fantasies about Buddy Ebsen
4. Every time you sneeze, you break your hip
3. Eventually it's your turn to marry Zsa Zsa
2. While you grow to love Beavis, Butthead becomes almost unbearable
1. All the shoes.
"Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot"
(Wednesday, Sept. 8, 1993) .
10. You overhear him say on the intercom ``Hey, Pedro, What's this gizmo do?''
9. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up
8. He says, ``We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet''
7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap
6. When you take off he yells, ``Wheeeeeeeeee!''
5. At some point he announces, ``Screw Chicago, let's go find that Mars Observer!''
4. He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform
3. Over P.A. you hear, ``Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh''
2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport
1. Keeps referring to the control tower as ``Mommy''
"Signs You Have No Friends"
(Thursday, Sept. 30, 1993) .
10. No calls from salespeople pushing MCI's Friends and Family Plan
9. You go to a video store and say out loud to yourself, ``Well, what do you want to rent tonight?''
8. You send birthday cards to the members of the McLaughlin Group
7. You are one of the five best solitaire players in the world
6. Your initials are G.S., and you own a major league baseball team in the Bronx
5. At your funeral, the entire eulogy is, ``Yep, he's dead''
4. Having a Super Bowl party means dressing up your dogs in sweaters and tying them to the furniture
3. James Taylor sings the first few bars of ``You've Got a Friend,'' notices you in the audience, and stops
2. You're still drinking from same keg you bought on New Year's Eve `87
1. All your phone calls start with ``976''
"Rejected Sean Connery Movie Lines"
(Monday, Oct. 25, 1993) .
10. ``Do you like my frilly sundress, commander?''
9. ``Congratulations, Ernest, you've saved Christmas!''
8. ``I'm not only a secret agent, I'm also a client''
7. ``My pajamas have given me a bad rash''
6. ``Dr. No, Dr. Kevorkian. Dr. Kevorkian, Dr. No''
5. ``Please pass the mashed potatoes, Goldfinger''
4. ``One more martini and I'm gonna ralph''
3. ``Help, Mommy! I'm being chased by a scary man with steel teeth!''
2. ``Let me see if I have this right: I have sex with Robert Redford and I get $1 million?''
1. ``The name's McDonald. Ronald McDonald.''
"Disney Productions in Times Square"
(Friday, Feb. 4, 1994) .
10. ``When You Wish Upon My Lap''
9. ``Mr. Toad's Pantsless Ride''
8. ``Space Mounting''
7. ``Mickey and Minnie, Doing it Live!''
6. ``Aladdin '94: `Rub This!'''
5. ``It's a Large World''
4. ``Mary's Poppin'!''
3. ``Hookers of the Caribbean''
2. ``Beauty and the Bobbitt''
1. ``Free Willy''
"Names for the Rolling Stones' Tour"
(Wednesday, May 4, 1994) .
10. ``Van Full of Grandpas''
9. ``The Rolling Stones Live Plus Keith Richards''
8. ``Guitar-playin' Geezers''
7. ``Brown Sugar and Lots of Bran''
6. ``Metamusic''
5. ``The `$140 Million in the Bank Isn't Enough' Tour''
4. ``Cocoon 3''
3. ``Hey! You! Get Offa' My Barcalounger!''
2. ```Instruments Hooked Up to the Clapper' Tour''
1. ``Grumpy Old Men'' .
"Bob Barker Pickup Lines"
(Tuesday, June 7, 1994) .
10. ``Come back to my place so I can give you a lovely parting gift.''
9. ``Baby, you're the next contestant in the game of love!''
8. ``The next item up for bid is in my pants!''
7. ``How'd you like a year's supply of turtle wax?''
6. ``I've made thousands of women scream and jump up and down.''
5. ``Please have dinner with me. I'm a very lonely man.''
4. ``Maybe it'll be easier for you to guess the price of that waterbed if we test it out first.''
3. ``Don't worry -- I've been neutered.''
2. ``Have another sip of that 99-cent malt liquor, take off those $30 shoes and let's get it on!''
1. ``Come on down.''
"Things George Washington WouldSay If He Were Alive Today"
(Friday, July 1, 1994)
10. ``Hey, that Donahue guy stole my wig!''
9. ``You need some I.D.? How 'bout this dollar?''
8. ``I'm on the single and that fat kite-flying weasel Ben Franklin is on the hundred?''
7. ``Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett?''
6. ``No, I'm not Barbara Bush.''
5. ``I'm the first President of the U.S.. What do you mean I can't get Streisand tickets?''
4. ``Did you see `Seinfeld' last night? That Kramer is a riot!''
3. ``Ben Franklin? Gay.''
2. ``Would you please get your hands off Martha, Mr. Barker?''
1. ``My god -- Sam Donaldson is annoying!''
"Ways the U.S. Would Be Different
If the Next President Were a Dog"
(Friday, July 8, 1994)
10. Doggy door in Oval Office
9. At press conferences, instead of ``Mr. President,'' reporters would shout, ``Here fella!''
8. Goodbye Whitewater scandal, hello toilet bowl water scandal
7. Washington Monument replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant
6. U.S. might have more coherent foreign policy
5. Public enemy 1: That neutering bastard Bob Barker
4. Secret service and CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck wagon
3. Country really run by dog's smarter poodle wife
2. Here's your new national anthem: (SFX: Barking dogs Christmas jingle)
1. One word: Sausage-Gate . |
"Rejected Forrest Gump Sayings"
(Friday, July 29, 1994)
10. ``Clinton is, as Clinton does''
9. ``My name is Forrest Sawyer''
8. ``Who's the sex machine to all the chicks? Gump!''
7. ``Yabba Dabba Duhhhhh''
6. ``Jenny and me, we're like Tonya and Gillooly''
5. ``Mama always told me, `Just about anyone can get himself a talk show'''
4. ``You are correct, oh great one''
3. ``Man, did I look goofy on that old `Love Boat' episode''
2. ``Life is like a date with Madonna, you never know what you're going to get''
1. ``Mama always said, `Bite me'''
by CNB