Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, August 23, 1994 TAG: 9410010008
SECTION: WELCOME STUDENTS PAGE: WS90 EDITION: NEW RIVER VALLEY
SOURCE: BRIAN KELLEY STAFF WRITER
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
As proof positive, just consider: as I write this, The Editors, like a snarling, journalistic Hydra, keep poking their heads around the corner, asking, "Are you done yet?"
Putting off The Editors long enough to say my piece will indeed require a Herculean effort. You see, this article was due more than a week ago.
Rarely will I do today what can be put off safely until tomorrow. Every once in a while, I'll get on the wagon, get organized and get a few things done. But without fail, before long, I'm back off the wagon, revising that "To do" list.
That's why The Editors, who have sick senses of humor, assigned me to write about famous excuses that college students use for not turning in assignments on time.
The first person I checked with was my brother, who recently finished his master's at Virginia Tech and spent two years teaching first-year writing courses.
Patrick said he'd noticed a trend toward technologically oriented excuses during his brief teaching career. Whereas college kids of another generation might have proffered the reliable dog-ate-my-homework excuse, today's slackers fall back upon: "My printer died," "I lost the disk," "My computer's down; my roommate's computer's down; the entire dorm's computers are down."
But there's a hidden cost for such excuses. "Each time you use an excuse, you're paying into the karma banking system," Patrick explained. "That's happened to me in the worst way."
After years of hearing of faux computer woes, and using it himself once or twice, Patrick lost a 24-page paper this spring at a crucial time.
Next, I asked M.J. Dougherty for his insights. He's a part-time sportswriter for the Current who also taught at Tech as a grad student. His favorites? "I had another paper/test due the same day," "I'm waiting for a book to come in at the library," "I had a family emergency," "I sprained my ankle," "I broke my engagement."
Dougherty, who, I'm quite certain, is up for a Ph.D. in NASCAR studies, added helpfully, "I have used at least three of these personally."
Bad excuses, you see, are ubiquitous. Everybody's used one; not everybody wants to admit it.
Of course, whether at New River Community College, Virginia Tech or Radford University, there's always going to be some professor who won't listen to the song and dance, who doesn't want to hear excuses. Sort of the Marine Corps drill sergeant of academia.
"Some of those people show no mercy," said one recent Tech graduate, shuddering at the memory.
I can remember my own horror shows: sitting in a small, book-packed office in the bowels of a huge college building, staring across the desk at a young associate professor. He draws on a Marlboro, then starts speaking as the smoke rolls menacingly out the sides of his mouth.
"What are we going to do about your 30-page independent study, Mr. Kelley?"
"Finish the last 28 pages, Dr. Snoggleworth."
"That would be by tomorrow, Mr. Kelley."
"But of course, Dr. Snoggleworth."
Of course, the college graduate reaches the "real world" and soon finds out that ...
Editors' note: "Herculean effort" aside, we couldn't take it anymore. So we're taking our editorial cane and yanking Mr. Kelley off the stage. Just do your homework when its assigned, don't wait until the last minute and quit your whining. Thank you.
by CNB