Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: FRIDAY, October 14, 1994 TAG: 9410150029
SECTION: CURRENT PAGE: NRV-11 EDITION: NEW RIVER VALLEY
SOURCE: RAY COX
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
Uncertainty has locked my mind, bound my hands, and immobilized my feet as though I've fallen into a vat of industrial strength glue.
Some days I see the future clear as an October afternoon. Others days, my vision is murky as the soul of Saddam Hussein.
Radford or Giles?
Giles or Radford?
Spartans?
Bobcats?
Who will win the football game tonight?
All the marbles of the storied Three Rivers District are at stake, not to mention the eternal bliss of a berth in Group A Division 2 playoffs.
So who shall prevail?
Giles or Radford?
Radford or Giles?
My brain has been wrecked from the strain.
The best I can do in this situation is hedge. Thus, offered here for your perusal, are three ways each that one or the other team could emerge triumphant.
First, Radford:
Radford cannot fail to win when, in the middle of the first quarter as Giles engineers its first offensive drive, aliens with bulging foreheads and beady eyes arrive over the field in a spacecraft shaped like a perfectly-formed zucchini. From the bottom of this vessel, which is shimmering in an ethereal light, a large vacuum nozzle emerges and descends on Raypheal Milton, the Spartans' gifted tailback. Milton is sucked up through the hose into the bowels of the craft, which shudders once, belches out a ball of blue flame and is gone. Forced to press on without him, Giles battles gallantly, but cannot prevail now that the better part of Air Spartans is rocketing toward a distant galaxy.
Radford certainly will win if, in the second quarter, a pitchout play toward the Giles sideline is swept out of bounds on top of the Giles coaching staff. There is a tremendous cloud of dust and a great deal of panic. Minutes later, it becomes apparent that Giles coach Steve Ragsdale has been gravely wounded by some sort of blow to the head. But wait, after being attended to by rescue squad personnel, he's up! They're talking to him now, these medical specialists, and they seem to be very agitated. He's pushing them away. Now his assistant coaches are speaking urgently to him, waving their arms. A semblance of calm is restored and Ragsdale motions the offense out on the field. Clearly, something is amiss. They're lining up in the I formation! Giles doesn't run the I formation - never has. Giles runs the single-wing! The players have no idea what they're doing. The quarterback who has never played quarterback before is begging Ragsdale to relinquish the play-calling to one of the assistants. The quarterback is cut short with a peremptory gesture. The offense is a mess and Radford wins big.
Radford is a mortal lock to win if, the governor announced last night in a prime time television address that there is a state of emergency in the commonwealth's forests. The deer population has exploded and is running amok with grave consequences for agriculture and other of the state industries, says he. Thus, the only way to combat this menace is to declare an early opening to the deer hunting season. Opening day is today. Giles players, eyes ablaze with singleness of purpose, don blaze orange, pick up their firearms, and repair to the woods. Those who do not forget the big football game entirely are late to report. Giles forfeits.
The case for Giles:
Giles is a lock if Radford coach Norman Lineburg loses his game plan in the jungle of paperwork, old trophies, and partially inflated footballs that is his office. ``I know it's in here somewhere,'' Lineburg says. Right he is. A game plan is in the landfill of his cell of an office. Only it's the wrong game plan. It's the game plan for Grayson County, which the Bobcats have already beaten like a wicked stepchild. Giles proves to be made of sterner stuff. The bewildered Bobcats don't know what to make of the single-wing and are bombed.
Giles cannot fail if a saboteur it hires for big money convinces many of Radford's players that they are not getting enough to eat. ``You boys look so malnourished that Giles will just laugh at you,'' the evil imposter says. In what he describes as a public service, the schemer arranges to pick them up after school today and take them to the local pizza parlor, which is offering an all you can gorge buffet. The spy makes sure that the players take full advantage of this feast. They eat until the restaurant manager takes the dastardly fellow aside and offers a free lifetime pass to the buffet if he will just get those young gluttons out of there. The damage has been done though. Many of the players cannot pull their football pants over their bulging bellies. Others can only sit, groan, and belch. Giles runs circles around them in the game.
Giles cannot fail to win if the Radford bus driver is told, ``Drive us to the big district game.'' Unfortunately, this driver, not being the sharpest guy, thinks Radford is still in the New River District. So he drives the team to Christiansburg, which isn't home because it's gone to play at Glenvar. Confused, the driver sits in the parking lot waiting for the Blue Demons to show up as the players fidget in their seats. When somebody figures out what's going on, it's too late. Radford doesn't make it to Giles in time and the game is declared a forfeit. Giles wins the district.
Giles or Radford?
Radford or Giles?
Maybe so and maybe not.
Could be a tie.
Ray Cox is a Roanoke Times & World-News sportswriter.
by CNB