
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: FRIDAY, November 4, 1994                   TAG: 9411040050
SECTION: EDITORIAL                    PAGE: A-17   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: CHRISTOPHER O'CONNOR
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

MR. PRESIDENT:

PITY BILL Clinton. The man spends every waking hour from his 14th birthday to his 46th scheming to become president of the United States, and then discovers after attaining that lifelong goal that it just makes you a bigger target.

To make matters worse, he's getting pasted by the likes of Bob Dole and Phil Gramm, two of the most forgettable 20th century statesmen. President Clinton, whether you like him or not, has had a tough year and must be feeling low.

I'm feeling pretty low myself. October has come and gone, and there was no World Series. My earlier anger at the petty squabble between millionaire owners and millionaire players has settled into a quiet despair now that I am forced to confront fall without the fall classic.

Well, I have an idea on what the president can do to make us both feel better: Nationalize major-league baseball.

Think of what this would do to his reputation. Recalling Truman's takeover of the steel business, the move would give the president's spin doctors something to really spin about. Bold, forceful action to address a problem considered catastrophic by a large portion of the American public would rehabilitate Mr. Clinton on the eve of the upcoming election.

But the real genius of this step is that there would be no opposition. Everyone hates the two sides of the baseball strike so much - and they are so sick of Ken Burns' baseball blather - that the move would be welcomed. Even Bob Dole couldn't find a way to criticize the president and take sides with Bud Selig and Don Fehr. I'm not so sure about Phil Gramm, but who cares? He's from Texas and, therefore, not to be taken seriously.

Constitutional carpers could be put off at least till after the election, or told that this emergency action would be temporary, until the game could be rehabilitated sufficiently to again operate on its own.

Now, a government takeover of baseball would have advantages for fans, too. First, the president could fire all the owners. Who needs these guys? Goodbye, Steinbrenner; sayonara Schott. Again, who would stand up for them? Clinton would be honored from coast to coast.

New owners would be certified by competitive examination. Prospective owners would have to show that (a) they have some familiarity with the game, (b) they have a sincere loyalty to town and fans, and (c) they have at least three friends not on their payroll. No current owner meets all three criteria.

A sane ownership would be maintained by an annual performance review, with those that make dumb trades or outrageously stupid public statements demoted to the minor leagues. No owner, no matter how pleasant or well-mannered, could stay at the big-league level if his team stays below .500 for three consecutive years.

There's more. Under the new Federal League Baseball system, players would be subject to rational pay and performance review, as well. Graded like the bureaucrats who keep our national machinery well-oiled, players would be rewarded only for demonstrated performance, or at least tenure. Instead of the government's GS levels, we would, of course, have BS levels. Believe me, a career .250 shortstop making a million dollars a year has a high BS level.

In addition to umpires, there would be representatives of the Federal Mediation Service. When a manager raises a thoughtful and constructive critique of a call at first base, all parties would adjourn to the clubhouse for a 30-minute cooling-off period. The game, meanwhile, would continue without the distractions of some middle-aged man throwing a temper tantrum like a 2-year-old.

Finally, the government could improve the other aspects of a day at the ballpark. Fans would be eligible for food stamps, to subsidize the hot dogs, nachos, popcorn, etc. Mascots would be subject to the scrutiny of the Civil Rights Commission to ensure that no one could possibly be offended. Exploding scoreboards would really be something when powered by surplus Defense Department weapons.

Do it, Mr. President, just do it. Nationalizing baseball is a must; for your future and ours.

Christopher O'Connor of Independence is a househusband and a writer.

by CNB