
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, November 7, 1994                   TAG: 9412070013
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

MR. OCCUPANT SHOULD MIND HIS OWN BUSINESS

I have long suspected that there is a man called John Alexander Occupant who gets the same Occupant mail we do. Probably has a nice place on Daisy Chain Road.

Judging from my mail, I'm certain John Alexander received a survey he shouldn't have paid any attention to. This survey was for Occupants qualified to be a "Dear Single Friend."

John Alexander is married to Louella Occupant, who receives more than her share of lingerie magazines addressed to "Occupant: 3215 Daisy Chain Road." They have two sickly children - Lochinvar, 10, and Rowena, 6.

I think John Alexander is a devious person who kept the questionnaire from his wife and double-crossed the survey people by ignoring a disclaimer at the bottom of the form that said: "P.S. If you are married or in a relationship, please pass this on to a single friend."

John filled out the form, which as a pretty dirty trick.

In addition to being crooked, Occupant is the type to overdo things. Under the TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF portion of the survey, he went wild with Question 8, which asked: "What encouraged you to fill out this questionnaire?"

Throwing decency and honesty and all we hold dear to the winds, he wrote:

"I'm a lonely man with assets of more that $4 million and would like to meet a neat chick to help me spend my money."

There probably is a neat chick out there - I would guess her name is Gaynelle - who also filled out a questionnaire. And this is where Occupant mail becomes cruel and dangerous in the hands of scoundrels like John Alexander.

The survey people - who are supposed to find "quality single people" for other single people - tell Gaynelle about Occupant's answer to Question 8, and one evening she shows up at 3215 Daisy Chain Road.

She is met at the door by Louella, who smells of Vicks VapoRub because both of the kids are down with something. Right off, the rather plain and rotund Gaynelle is mistaken for a lingerie model.

There is no lonely man with four million bucks to spend. There is a gutless husband hiding in the closet. And two runny-nosed kids and a VapoRub-smelling housewife who calls Gaynelle a "home wrecker" and hits her with a flatiron.

I guess Occupant mail is all right as long as it deals with harmless things - like coupons for free hamburgers or reduced-price oil changes.

I would think poor Gaynelle feels that way, too.

by CNB