Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, November 9, 1994                   TAG: 9411090038
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

MR. PRESIDENT, CAN THE SHORTS

I would add here that practically nobody looks very hot in running shorts - including any va-va-va-voom or hunk types you might want to mention.

I've never worn a pair of the things in my life, and due to various varicosities that have developed in my lower limbs, I never intend to.

I realize that running shorts are sacred items of attire in many American households and that modern mothers tell their children to be sure their running shorts are clean in case they have an accident.

I simply don't care for them.

But we are talking about the president of the United States here, and the truth is that he does look kind of funny in his jogging shorts.

I'm not suggesting that the president's running shorts are discussed heatedly in your average barber shop, but they are of some importance to those of us who care about appearances.

I don't think anybody ever thought Harry Truman looked anything but sharp when he went on those walks - wearing a suit, hat and two-tone wingtips. In his own way, Harry was magnificent.

Jimmy Carter was also a runner, but he kind of conked out that time, if you will recall. I dunno. Was that before or after that rabbit attacked him?

I hate to say it, but I don't know what Jimmy looked like in his running shorts.

I mean no disrespect here, but Bill Clinton in his running clothes gives me the impression of an overgrown, ill-coordinated boy on his way to a rendezvous with a couple of sausage-and-egg biscuits.

While I'm being picky, let me add that I've believed for a long time that Bill's suits are tailored to conceal a considerable amount of bulk. I wish I could afford suits that conceal a considerable amount of bulk.

In conclusion, let me say with all the eloquence at my command that I agree with the presidential advisers who worry about the running shorts.

I can tell them right now that they ought to persuade Bill to wear over-large sweat pants when he jogs.

Everybody looks like everybody else in over-large sweat pants. It's not overstatement to say that Kim Basinger, for the most part, would look like your Aunt Zelda in big black sweats.

And nobody knows whether you've got varicosities or not - which is not to suggest that the president, Kim or your Aunt Zelda has anything to hide.