Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, December 21, 1994                   TAG: 9412220022
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

I CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS HOLLY-JOLLY STUFF

Sunday:

10 p.m. Go to Bent Mountain to cut a Christmas tree. Honest. This excursion was so heavy on family values Dan Quayle would have wept openly.

It was cold as hell, but our cheeks were rosy and we were happy.

Noon: Tree is standing in the living room as straight as a Southern Republican. All seems right with the the world. We sing several carols of gladness and good will.

7 p.m. The Redskins have lost again. Santa's elves can tackle better that the Redskins. But the lights are on the tree, and not even the Redskins can dim this holly-jolly time of year. Sure. It would be hollier and jollier if we all made the money the 'Skins quarterback does.

Monday:

6 a.m. Rise early to do the old NordicTrack and these other dumb physical things that have failed to get you back into three perfectly good suits you out-flabbed when you quit smoking.

7 a.m. Discover that all the lights on the tree went out at 10 o'clock Sunday night. In addition, your dog Millie ate one of the homemade pasta angels.

8 a.m. Learn that the cable is out - which is bothersome because you need to know the temperature so that you can dress properly to go to the dentist. Also learn the car won't start.

11 p.m. By methods too complex to be explained here, we find one string of lights that doesn't work. Cable comes back on. Abandon bulb problem to watch women doing exercises that obviously work for them. One of these ladies, we are told, is 50 years old. She has great biceps for a woman that age.

Tuesday:

9 a.m. While waiting for plumber, discover that plug on bad string of lights has fuses. Buy six fuses. Watch as string of lights blows them all. Find that other lights are slowly dying. Is that the furnace making that funny noise?

2 p.m. Find that American commerce no longer produces strings of lights like the ones we need. Consider throwing tree into street. Instead, we will buy 300 new lights and hope for the best.

3 p.m. Start writing column on handy computer. Power goes off, and column disappears into the electronic bourne from which no column returns.

11 p.m. Wake from nightmare in which Republicans introduce family-value law that would make us have Christmas twice a year.