Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, December 22, 1994 TAG: 9412230039
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE:
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
Don't.
The one you gave her for Christmas three years ago - fully accessorized, vacuum-cleaner bags and all - still works fine, even if it is missing a wheel.
"I told him point-blank: I don't want another vacuum cleaner for Christmas," said Audrey, who answered our call for White Elephant Horror Stories detailing the worst-ever Christmas gifts. "I don't mind dragging around the old gimpy one a bit."
A rotating plastic pyramid that tripled as a clock/picture frame/music box. The always-romantic iron. A red feather boa.
Readers responded with plastic imagery galore and more - including Audrey Burt's pair of black plaster parrots, which predated the vacuum cleaner by about seven years.
"They were from one of those office gift exchanges, where you're always walking on thin ice anyway," she recalled. "The feathers were etched in gold metallic paint - the perfect thing to hang in your bathroom in the '60s."
The Burts, who were engaged at the time, passed the parrots along to their best man and maid of honor - who immediately gave the birds back. "Then I accidentally dropped one of them and it broke, so it was a short-lived nightmare."
Following is a compilation of the best of the worst. You might note that nary a man called in with an entry. Hmmmm.
Bonus feature: It played "Lara's Theme"
Eight years ago, my sister sent me a triangular pyramid-shaped rotating plastic clock that had plastic flowers on the second side and a picture frame on the third. It was about a foot in diameter, and the whole thing was non-stop plastic. She gave my grandma one, too, only it was silver instead of gold like mine.
- Janie Osterhaus
Luckily, they live in California - and will never read this article
One year in the family gift exchange we received presents from my aunt and uncle, who are notorious for their cheapness. They gave my husband a shirt that said, "Desert Community Bank," which they got for opening an account. And they gave me a red sweatshirt that had a plastic cat on it with all its claws extended, scratching down the front of the shirt. The scratches were drawn in white puff paint.
- Laurel Soderberg
Avant-garde box art
When I worked at Pannill Knitting in Martinsville, all the customer service reps received jewelry boxes for Christmas. Everybody else got one with four legs, but my box only had three.
- Phyllis Lavinder
Avant-garde bowl art
Picture a ceramic red bowl - all rippled, about 12 inches high and really ugly. We'd just gotten married, and my husband's little sister, who was 12, saved up her money to give us something to decorate our apartment with.
I hated it, but my husband felt like, "Aw, isn't this sweet?" So he made us put it out in every apartment we had. Eventually I hid it behind the drapes. My uncle said that's how he always found us - by the red bowl behind the window.
It was 15 years before my husband let me sell it in a garage sale - and I was amazed that someone actually bought it.
- Bobbi Culver
So avant-garde, we don't even get it
My husband [the late Corky Dew] and his friend [Eugene Martin] used to play tricks on each other all the time. One year for Christmas, [Eugene] gave us a real cow skull, and in the middle where the nose goes down was an empty tube of toothpaste - I guess 'cause he still had some teeth in there. We gave it back to him for his birthday with a bottle of wine in the nose.
- Georgette Dew
The Homestead on Tuesday, Alexander's on Wednesday
One year my husband [Ed Taylor] gave me a fur coat from the Goodwill. It was ratty and worn and torn, and I wore it everywhere I went. He gave it to me on a Thursday. I wore it to the beauty shop on Friday, the grocery story on Saturday, and I had it on to go to church Sunday, but they canceled it because of the ice storm. I made him so sorry about that coat that he carried it back on Monday. But it sure was a lotta fun.
- Shirley Taylor
Divorce Court fodder, Part I
My husband was in the Navy in '86, and he was stationed up in Rhode Island but I hadn't gone with him. When he came home for Christmas that year, he brought me a diamond ring, an eternity band.
In January I got a bill for it - on my charge account. I told him he'd have to pay for it, but in February I got another bill, with interest. . . .
I started saving up money for his birthday in September. And I bought him a divorce; I had the papers served to him on his birthday, and I paid cash. That was the best present I ever bought for me.
- Doris Malkemes
Divorce Court fodder, Part II
You can't use my name because he'll know who he is if he takes the paper. My husband one year gave me this beautifully wrapped box with a piece of paper inside that had a picture of a Fenton china lamp, which I'd always wanted because it matched my china. He told me, "Next time I go to Ohio, I'll get it for you." We were married for 20 years and divorced now for 15. Needless to say, I still don't have that lamp.
- Anonymous in Roanoke
It would've looked good on Demi
I was eight months pregnant with my second child when my sister-in-law got me a red feather boa for Christmas. As soon as I saw it, I burst into tears. I knew she didn't like me, but that much?
- Pat Gay
He didn't shop at Victoria's Secret
Twenty years ago my first husband gave me this beautiful fancy box. And when I opened it up, it had white cotton underpants inside. He'd insisted upon me opening it in front of my girlfriend. I was so embarrassed.
- Carolyn Duncan
"He got better as the years wore on"
I got married on Dec. 20, 1949, and for Christmas my new husband gave me an iron. That's I-R-O-N, like you do with, that everybody hates? I did think at the time, my God, I made a terrible mistake.
- Ryan Meadows
Grandma didn't like the snooze feature
When I was a little girl I asked my grandma for a clock-radio for Christmas. She bought me a transistor radio and a wind-up alarm clock.
- Suzette Shaffer
A thong would've been worse
The worst was a pair of teeny tiny hotpants and an itty-bitty see-through nightie that my husband gave me one year when I'd gained a tremendous amount of weight. Hurt, angry and disappointed is an understatement.
- Anne Davis
She was a bad knitter to boot
One year my aunt had promised me a Tiny Tears doll. But instead she gave me a pair of green and purple knitted stockings that went up to my waist. That was the worst Christmas present any 9-year-old could receive.
- Frances H. Taylor
If you feel sorry for her, think about her grandpa
One year my mother-in-law's new boyfriend gave me a large cookie jar shaped exactly like a pig. Now I'm a big woman, and I found this very very offensive.
Everyone just stared with horror when I opened it. But it occurred to me, the pig looked exactly like my grandfather. So I burst out laughing, at which point everyone put their heads down and started opening their own packages.
- Pat Hartman
Maybe it ended up at the Salvation Army
One year I requested that I'd like a robe for Christmas. That day my husband and my daughter gave me two gifts. The first one was a robe. And the second one was also a robe - in a very large size. When I looked at [my family], they seemed more surprised than I was. My husband said, "It was supposed to be a fur coat."
The department store had wrapped the package for him, then gave him the wrong one. We laughed, figuring that maybe a lady in a nursing home had received it, or maybe some man got a lady's fur coat.
- Greta Dickerson
The worst gift she ever GAVE
I was 18, and my sister was 17. I'd gone away to college, and I can't remember why, but for some reason we weren't speaking. I decided I wasn't going to buy her a Christmas present that year.
Then Christmas Eve, I started feeling bad about it, and the Christmas spirit overcame me. My mom took me out to look for a gift. We went all over town trying to find a store that was open, but all we could find was a 7-11. So I bought her a carton of cigarettes. That was the year she was fooling around with smoking - and trying to give it up.
She gave me a beautiful sweater set.
I learned a wonderful lesson about what Christmas was about that year and a lesson about not letting the claws out.
- Kate Garcia
Beth Macy is a features department staff writer who once gave her mom a set of plastic freezer containers for Christmas (they weren't even Tupperware). Her column runs Thursdays.
by CNB