Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: FRIDAY, December 23, 1994 TAG: 9412230120
SECTION: EDITORIAL PAGE: A-14 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: SUSIE FETTER
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
It has come to this: Persons not having physical limitations are now depicted as temporarily abled; the rest have been called handicapped, disabled, physically challenged and differently abled. Adjectives such as crippled or lame are only acceptable in describing horses or machinery, not humans.
This sensitivity in labeling the physically handicapped person (my nom de preference) is commendable, but unnecessary. As disagreeable as it is to be physically handicapped, this condition has great advantages. Without a great deal of effort, I've come up with 10.
With an obvious disability, you're ushered to the head of the line. When I first donned crutches in 1967, I felt self-conscious and a tad sorry for myself. But not for long. A trip to Expo '67 in Canada revealed the preferential treatment for people like me: courtesy, sympathy and no waiting in queues. This advantage is applicable in all situations, except movies and rock concerts, and is especially satisfying in food lines.
Parking is a piece of cake. Those designated zones with a stick figure on a wheel are everywhere. Now that social condemnation and fines have discouraged more athletic souls from using them, parking spaces are usually easy to find. In addition, a car with a handicapped parking permit is allowed unlimited time in any legal parking area in our city. Anyone want a ride downtown with me?
Casual housekeeping is tolerated. Never mind that my house would look the same if I had my before-crippled body. Now I have the perfect excuse, and don't have to explain the mess to anyone.
Your children develop independence and character. Although at the mouthy age of 13, our son declared, "Mom, you use your handicap to exploit us," he's now a sensitive New Age guy. I'm convinced all that experience operating household appliances and messing in the kitchen has helped him evolve. Walking, biking or taking a bus to school, sports and dentist appointments trained our offspring that they could get almost anywhere without good old mom behind the wheel.
A handicap brings out the best in others, restoring your faith in humanity. People open doors and carry your parcels to the car. One time a woman in the market area asked if she could pray for me. I was more touched than offended by this gesture as she laid her hand on my shoulder, closed her eyes and asked sweet Jesus to restore my health. My favorite act of human compassion was the $1 offered me by a homeless man. I regret to this day that I didn't accept his spontaneous gift.
You can easily decline to solicit neighbors for charity. I must confess to a kind of perverse satisfaction when I fluster the anonymous caller who begs me to collect for the March of Dimes. ``I'm handicapped, you know, and climbing all those steps is difficult for me.''
You're spared the guilt of avoiding strenuous exercise. While I'm sure happy joggers exist, I'm frequently impressed by the grim expressions of most runners I encounter. Although the look may be one of self-righteousness, I suspect otherwise. Water aerobics for me, thank you.
Family members are nice to you. You can get away with a lot in the extended family setting if you're handicapped. Sisters and female in-laws are less likely to harbor resentments as they slave in the kitchen, and you engage in bright conversations with their spouses. And you often get the choice bedroom. The one nearest the bathroom, on the ground floor, or with the firmest mattress is my pick.
On one memorable occasion, my brother-in-law refrained from family violence after I'd driven over his septic tank, which was buried in his front yard near the driveway. Despite dire warnings, I backed around parked cars over the fragile area. His reaction was direct: ``If you weren't a blankety-blank cripple, I'd beat you up!'' I appreciated his candor and restraint.
A handicap assures you rapport with minorities and others who are disadvantaged. Health problems have always been a major concern for the poor and elderly residents of our inner cities. Hobbling through crumbling neighborhoods on my way to visit a homebound student, I've often received sympathetic glances and offers of help from people very different from me. My disadvantage, rheumatoid arthritis, is familiar to many a soul who has had to earn a living lifting or scrubbing. Discussion of aches and pains cuts across barriers of class and race.
You're showered with praise and admiration. I've finally learned to stop protesting the acclamations: ``You are so brave!'' ``You are so courageous!'' ``You are incredible!'' In my earlier stages of disability, I rejected these statements. After all, what choice did I have? Without a handicap, I'd be like so many women I know who have juggled family, jobs and volunteer commitments without any special acknowledgment. Since I'm so amazing, I don't have to feel inadequate about not earning a law degree or becoming a corporate executive. I can claim an even greater role: I'm an inspiration!
So, all you poor, temporarily abled people - cheer up! You can look forward to the day when various body parts start to give up and you can join the privileged ranks of the differently abled.
Susie Fetter of Roanoke is a retired schoolteacher.
by CNB