
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: SUNDAY, December 25, 1994                   TAG: 9412290025
SECTION: EDITORIALS                    PAGE: G3   EDITION: HOLIDAY 
SOURCE: MARGIE FISHER EDITORIAL WRITER
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

TOYLAND TROUBLE

ALL RIGHT, everybody! Day off from pondering all that's gone wrong with the world so far, and worrying about what tomorrow might bring.

Now is the time to turn on the Christmas tree lights, grab a cup of nog, and gather friends and loved ones around the piano. If you don't have a piano, a kazoo will do - and if you don't have a kazoo, try a a piece of wax paper over a comb.

The important thing is to catch the spirit of the holiday, as only those pure of heart and unfettered by logic can catch it. And what better way than to sing out, in voices loud and clear, the lyrics of the season's classics.

Here goes:

Deck us all with Boston Charlie,

Walla Wall, Wash., and Kalamazoo.

Nora's freezin' on the trolley,

Swaller dollar, cauliflour,

Alla-garoo!

Bark us all bow-wows of folly,

Double-bubble, toyland trouble!

Woof, Woof, WOOF!

Tizzy season on mellon collie

Dibble-dabble, scribble-scrabble,

Goof, Goof, GOOF!

What? You never heard those lyrics? Where were you, pray, in the '60s when Pogo, with a little help from his creator, Walt Kelly, updated the standards? What were you smoking? C'mon now, listen carefully and you'll realize that you're hearing the songs correctly, possibly for the very first time, as any child could tell you they were meant to be sung.

Conifers stay of crispness,

MacTruloff sentime,

A parsnip Anna Pantry.

Honor Sick an' Davey Criss-Cross,

MacTruloff said to me,

Tutor Killduffs

Anna Pottage inner Pair Threes.

Under Thursday of crispness,

MacTruloff sanity,

Three wench friends, tu-dors above,

And the parson up a psaltery.

Tuber-Kalosis,

Anger Cartridge,

Widow pastry,

An a parson up a psaltree.

Then there's this Opus, always a favorite in Outland and Bloom County:

Good King Sauerkraut, look out!

Oh your feets uneven,

Tho' your eyes are shining bright,

You are shurely weavin'!

But, as Bill the Cat would say, ``Acckkk! Thpbfpbpt!" That is the last I recall of the Pogo repertoire, and here we are in full throttle. By doggerel, let us carry on and improvise as the Katzenjammer Kids would surely want us to.

Gnashing of false teeth, bifocals in a daze,

Grandma hung a wreath made with grandpa's old toupees.

The muskrat coat's alive with dust and moths and fleas,

Oh what fun it is to hear all fossil hepcats sneeze.

Ohhh - Medicare, Geritol,

Galoshes, AARP,

Over 60 discount pleaser

for even Ebenezer.

And: Here comes Peter Cottontail,

Hoppin' down the bunny trail,

Hippety, hoppity, Easter's on its way.

Sorry. Just threw that in to see if you were paying attention. Sotto voce now, please:

Jolly old St. Newt Gingrich,

Clean your ears this way,

Cotton balls on toothpicks,

Witch Hazel, Oil Olay.

Ninety-five is coming soon, and we all look to thee

To feel our pain and hear our voice,

Sincerely, F. O. B.

Oh, never mind. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

by CNB