
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: SUNDAY, January 2, 1995                   TAG: 9501030023
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

COST-CUTTING HEADACHE

Thomas Jefferson had just become angry and kicked the apple tree on which he was attempting a difficult graft when the rider came reluctantly up the Little Mountain to Monticello Over There.

"See how slowly he comes," Jefferson said to himself. "I wager the beggar has much to hide this time."

"Aye, an' th' best of th' mornin' to yer onner," the rider said. "An' uh gorgee-us mornin' it be."

"I see scarce good in this morning, my man," Jefferson said. "Your idiotic servile manner can't mask the fact that you bring me bad tidings."

"Nay, Master Tom" the rider said. "Thim yooniversity footballers wuz in uh bowl game. 'Tis true thim lads wuld hev rather bin in uh more press-teejus bowl. But thim lads did win."

"Leave off, you churl," Jedfferson said, "and on to the bad news. They have made Hugh Hefner an honorary doctor of letters at my university. Correct?"

"Nay, Master Tom," the rider said. "Nuthin' as bad as thet. Matter uh fact, as fer as I know, thim Playboys aint' bin back tekkin' thim nekkid pitchers."

"I know there are bad tidings," Jefferson said. "Out with it, you unnatural, devious monster."

"Well, soir," the rider said, "they do hev this here new guv-ner of Virginia Over There, and he be wantin' tuh cut down on spendin' 'cause he wants tuh keep all thim fee-loany-uss people in th' stocks longer. Tuh do thet, he needs to tek th' muny saved and put it intuh more stocks."

"The man's a Republican?" Jefferson sniffed.

"Aye," the rider said, "an' he wants tuh save sum uv thet munny by haffin' whut th' state gives tuh yer onner's ess-tate at Poplar Forest in Bedford County Over There."

"Tyranny!" Jefferson shouted, hitting his brow with his forehand.

"Aye," the rider said. "There be an awful lot of that there munny-saving stuff happenin' Over There these days." And the rider started to spur his horse.

"Wait, you wiley devil," Jefferson said. "Tell me more of this man who would impugn my memory."

"Well, soir," the rider said. "Some call 'im Han-sum George, an' he wears thim cowboy boots and he wint to yer yooniversity."

Jefferson paled.

"Thank you, rider," he said. "It is well to know such things"

"'Tis me hope I've not troubled ye, Master Tom," the rider said.

"Not at all," Jefferson said. But after the rider had gone, he retired to his clever built-in bed with a sick headache.

by CNB