Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, January 2, 1995 TAG: 9501070035
SECTION: EDITORIALS PAGE: A-7 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: MONTY S. LEITCH
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
``What about them?'' I asked.
``I've made mine,'' she said.
``Who hasn't?'' I answered.
``But this year,'' she said, ``I've made resolutions with oomph.''
``Right,'' I said. ``Sure. Just like the rest of us, you're going to keep them, too.''
``I am,'' she shouted. ``This year I really am!''
``OK,'' I said (deciding to humor her). ``How have you done so far?''
She practically crowed with delight. ``Piece of cake!'' she squealed. ``A true success.''
Was I going to believe that? I mean, seriously. Nobody keeps their New Year's resolutions any longer than it takes to write them down.
But my friend persisted. ``Don't you want to hear what they are?'' she asked.
Honestly, I didn't. But what could I do? It was her nickel. So I said, ``Go ahead.'' And steeled myself.
``Well,'' she said, ``the first thing I've resolved is to eat anything I want, whenever I want it. High-fat, high-cal, high-cholesterol. Follow my cravings,'' she chirped. ``Chocolate cake, fried chicken, ice cream with syrupy nuts. Scrambled eggs and bacon every morning of the week.''
``Wait a minute,'' I said.
``And the second thing I've resolved,'' she breezed on, ``is to lie on the couch watching TV at least six hours every day. I'm giving up aerobics forever. I'm not even walking back and forth to the refrigerator anymore. That's my third resolution: to move the Frigidaire into the living room so I can reach it without getting up.''
Was she serious? ``Deary,'' I said, trying for irony, ``that will certainly ruin your carpet.''
She merely laughed delightedly.
Then said, ``I've also resolved to stop flossing. I'm not even going to worry about that anymore.''
Then she laughed again. ``And I've torn up my Weight Watcher's lifetime membership card. Little bitty pieces! I'm gonna throw out all those size 12 dresses I've been saving until I can wear them again, and go buy a bunch of size 22's so I'll have them on hand when I need them.''
``You can't be serious,'' I said.
``Absolutely,'' she said. ``Come on and go shopping with me.''
``I most certainly will not,'' I told her. ``My New Year's resolutions are to lose 20 pounds and floss every day.''
``Oh, you say that every year,'' she said. ``Where has it gotten you? Come on,'' she urged.
``But I don't want to gain 50 pounds!'' I cried. ``I don't want to lose all my teeth! I want to watch less TV, not more! I want to make myself sweat every day!''
``Oh, for heaven's sake,'' my friend said. ``Of course you do! Don't you get it? So do I. But when have those resolutions ever gotten us anywhere? I make those resolutions every year, and do just the opposite. I figure this year I'll do the opposite of what I've resolved again, just like always. So that's why I've resolved to ... ''
It was slowly dawning on me what she was up to. ``Brilliant!'' I shouted at last. ``That's absolutely inspired!''
``I thought you'd think so,'' she giggled. ``Come on. Go shopping with me. We'll stop for lunch. And snacks.''
And that, my friends, is just what we did.
Monty S. Leitch is a Roanoke Times & World-News columnist.
by CNB